Wes Welker responds to suspension news, uses LOUD writing voice

You know how on the internet when someone types in CAPS they are either:

  1. Really, really serious
  2. Really, really loud
  3. On amphetamines

Well, guess what? Wes Welker is all three. He emailed the Denver Post tonight to defend himself after a four-game suspension.

Here's my favorite part of Welker's email:

I'm as shocked as everyone at todays news. I want to make one thing abundantly clear: I would NEVER knowingly take a substance to gain a competitive advantage in any way. Anyone who has ever played a down with me, lifted a weight with me, even eaten a meal with me, knows that I focus purely on what I put in my body and on the hard work I put in year round to perform at the highest levels year-in and year-out.

If I had a dime for every time an athlete used this excuse (most recently, choirboy sprinter Tyson Gay), I'd be as rich as--well, Wes Welker, that's who.

But Welker wasn't done using CAPS yet. Then he fired this one off, in the interest of protecting the children:

I want any youth football players and all sports fans to know, there are NO shortcuts to success, and nothing but hard work and studying, leads to success.

Do you hear that, kids? Don't knowingly take a substance as a shortcut. In other words, tell them not to tell you what they are putting in your body. Then you won't really be lying.

Welker then gives us the impression that this PED thing is just another obstacle like he faces on the football field:

I have worked my whole life to be the best that I can be, and I have encountered many obstacles over my career, and THIS WILL BE NO DIFFERENT! 

Finally, Welker appeals to the patriotism of Broncos fans and their goodwill towards Pat Bowlen:

Thank you for the outpouring of support, and I want Bronco nation to know, that no one and no thing will get in the way of our goal as a team, to bring Mr. Bowlen the trophy he and this great region deserve.

All in all, Welker does a great job of denying, deflecting, and distracting. Whoever is advising him about public relations is doing a bang-up job.

But here's the thing? Four games from now, nobody is going to care. That's the reality.

Or should say: THAT'S THE REALITY.

I’m glad we had this talk.  Now, vaya con Dios, Brah.

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