New York--In a shocking move this weekend, lawyers for Jesus H. Christ have sent a cease and desist letter to Tim Tebow, who they claim is illegally using the name of the Son of God to sell products indirectly.
Tebow, the former Heisman Trophy winner, is well known for his exploits on the football field. In college he won two NCAA Championships with the University of Florida. Last year with the Denver Broncos he helped the team make an improbable run to the AFC playoffs. It's Tebow's supposed exploitation of Christ, though, that has Christ's lawyers up in arms. They believe Jesus gives Tebow his distinct brand. Without him, they say, Tebow wouldn't be selling underwear, sports drinks, or shoes made by Indonesian teenagers.
"Mr. Tebow," reads one part of the letter, "Your brand, to a significant degree, depends on millions of Evangelical Christians who have an unhealthy emotional attachment to your success. Through your incessant use of our client's name in post-game interviews without his expressed written permission and your relentless and repetitive public displays of overt invocation in the name of our client--this has recently been described publicly as "Tebowing"--you have contrived an image that, for all intents and purposes, mistakenly gives the impression that our client endorses you; in turn, and through implication, this impression has allowed you to profit extensively through contracts with FRS Healthy Performance, EA Sports, Nike, and Jockey, among others. Our client, in fact, neither endorses these products nor your behavior. Further, our client specificly abhors ads similar to that in which you are shirtless, shoeless, and frolicking in a field with a mustang."
The letter, obtained exclusively and inadvertently by IAOFM's Baxter McLove, during a two-week undercover investigation into Tebow's fascination with Cirque Du Soleil, "Rock of Ages", and karaoke bars, portrays Christ as frustrated, angry, and even hurt by Tebow's actions. In another part of the letter, Christ's lawyers write:
"Mr. Christ does not wear a headset. Your insistence to the contrary is blasphemous. Your lack of understanding as to how a headset destroys activator --and the maintenance of long and curly hair in general--is incredulous."
What seems to have particularly irritated Christ, according to his lawyers, though, is Tebow's contract with Jockey:
"Mr. Christ prefers Fruit of the Loom, for obvious biblical reasons. The fact that you and Jockey have profited extensively from a pseudo-Christian form of capitalism implied by your continued reference to our client's act of rising from the dead on the same day the Easter bunny dispenses copious amounts of chocolate to America's youth, is both offensive and shows a utter disdain for Warren Buffett and Berkshire Hathaway, the holding company for Fruit of the Loom; even worse, you are patently incorrect on the facts: Fruit of the Loom provides comfort and support throughout an entire day of proselytizing. Our client should know, Mr. Tebow. He practically invented it."
The high-profile law firm of Silverstein, Goldberg, Cohen & Associates, at first glance, seems like an odd match for Christ, but when IAOFM reached Christ for comment on Saturday afternoon, he dismissed the idea, saying, "Jews. Gentiles. Whatever. These guys are the best. They are like pit bulls. Billable hours mean nothing to the Son of God."
Jesus's lawyers end the letter with the unequivocal demand that Tebow stop promoting himself in their client's name:
"We request that you immediately cease and desist using our client's name, image, the Lamb of God, and little fish symbols to promote yourself, your handlers, and your brother's money-generating machine; further, surcease presently your literal interpretation of the book of Genesis, our client's works, and lastly, an uncomfortable brand of boxer briefs. Failure to do so may result in further legal action, or at the very least, the embarassment of being beaten out by Mark Sanchez, who probably wears leather pants."
Tebow and his representative weren't available for comment, but as of Saturday afternoon, no legal action was being taken by either side.