Fat Man blogger TJ “The Dude” Johnson posts The Dude’s Mail Revue on Thursdays, in which he takes your questions about the state of the Denver Broncos. Got a titillating question? Put a dollar bill into the Dude’s G-String and he might answer it—after bowling practice.
Dear Thaddeus Jarlath Johnson,
I just felt I should warn you that I plan on dominating the MHR Draftivus contest with my most recent theoretical work, based on the writings of Von Nuemann and Morgenstern. Your little MHR game should make for a simple test case for proving some of my more advanced game theory equations, and I just felt that I should mention this, since there will be no reason for anyone else to enter the contest once my entry has been submitted. My calculations will be so awesomely accurate that they will eliminate the possibility that anyone could even come in second. It will be too awe-inspiring.
I hope I have saved your membership a lot of hard work and toil with this announcement.
J.F.Nash, Princeton, N.J.
J.F: I appreciate you writing in. Now, I can truly say I have a "beautiful sack." You are of course, referring to MHR's 7-round mock draft contest, which is the brainchild of the always maniacal Jeremy Bolander. While I find your confidence both predictable and warranted, I must tell you one thing. I will break you. And then I will mock you. Wait. I'll mock you and then I will break you. Either way, consider yourself sufficiently annihilated, eviscerated, emasculated, and other words that Mike Tyson doesn't know.
How? Well, The Dude has his own equations, man. I may not have won some award like, I don't know, a stupid little Nobel Prize or anything, but in my bowling league we have a saying: a Nobel Prize never rolled a 300. Just what do I mean? That's for me to know and you to find out. But let me give you a little preview. It involves a lot of Kaluha, moisturizer, and an magic 8-ball. The. Ball. Never. Lies.
TJ, hombre, I hear that you also know Spanish. With more Latino players breaking into the NFL each year, who do you think is the best Latino player in NFL history? ¡Viva Los Broncos!
--M. Sanchez East Rutherford, New Jersey
M: Es una pregunta muy interesante. My first answer would be a current player, Tony Gonzalez, tight-end for the Atlanta Falcons. All of his years shredding the secondaries of AFC West opponents has guaranteed Gonzalez the Hall Of Fame on the first ballot (the same should be said for Shannon Sharpe, by the way). 999 receptions, 82 touchdowns, and almost 12,000 total yards receiving are amazing statistics. And he put them up with (generally) average quarterbacks.
But we can't forget Anthony Muñoz, perhaps the greatest left tackle to ever play the game. As Eric Williams wrote
During his 13-seasons of play, the durable Munoz started 164 of 168 games from 1980-1990 and even caught seven passes and scored four touchdowns on tackle eligible plays.
Munoz was the recipient of virtually every possible honor and was elected to 11 consecutive Pro Bowls and named All-Pro 11 straight times from 1981 through 1991. He was also named the NFL Offensive Lineman of the Year in 1981, 1987, and 1988 and the NFL Players Association Lineman of the Year in 1981, 1985, 1988 and 1989.
Let´s not forget that Muñoz was such a bad ass he also starred in the 1980s movie Borderline with non other than Charles "MF" Bronson.
Muñoz set the standard for left tackles for generations to come. Recent big-name tackles like Ryan Clady and Joe Thomas, can, in small part, thank Muñoz for their success (and contracts).
I didn´t realize the Broncos had any fans in East Rutherford, but I couldn´t agree more, ¡Viva Los Broncos! ¡Para siempre!
TJ, since you know women so well, I thought I would bring this up to you. I think I finally figured it out. My wife is into numerology, and she said that if you take Orton (#8) and Quinn (#10) and added them together you get 18. Divide by that quarterback we traded (#6) and you get 3. Multiply by Brandstater (who is #3 and our 3rd string quarterback) you 9. Subtract out Simms (#2) and you get 7. Whoever McDaniels names as the starting quarterback for 2010 will be the reincarnation of John Elway. Do you think she's right?
--Ben Fashing, Pond Creek, Oklahoma
W: Ben,of course she's right! Your wife is both a genius and, I'm guessing, very attractive when she pulls down those horn-rimmed glasses as she's reading Mile High Report. Let's delve into some other numbers. We can use numerology, which is a perfect science like astrology, to back up my assertion that Brady Quinn will be the starting quarterback for the Denver Broncos. How do we know? Check this out, using the ancient numbering system of gematria
ELWAY = 5+3+5+1+7= 21--> 2+1 =3
ORTON = 6+9+2+6+5 = 28--> 2+8 =0
QUINN = 8+3+9+5+5 = 30--> 3+0 = 3
Both Elway's last name and Quinn's last name are reduced to the number 3, which is the exact number of Super Bowl wins the Broncos will have when they win their next Super Bowl. It's unequivocal, Ben.
And if you were wondering, I ran the last names of all of the Broncos potential first round draft picks, and if they trade up, the name Suh works like this:
SUH - 1+3+8=12-->1+2 = 3
Again we find the letter 3. I'm not really saying anthing, I'm just saying, if the Broncos draft Suh, you'll have heard it here first. And if they don't, I'm blaming your wife.
Duderino, I'm almost in a drug-induced stupor with the thought that the Broncos will reach again in this year's draft as they did with Richard Quinn and Alphonso Smith last year. I mean, what, did Josh McDaniels really think he could burglarize the draft that way? Believe me, nobody gets away with that stuff. Alright! Knock it off!...sorry, my question is, if they Broncos are going to reach, where should they do it at? Quarterback always seems to be best place.
--R. David Leaf, In-Transit, Somewhere betwee Washington and Texas
R David: Lay off the weed, man. And I hope you are not reaching for my mail sack. But on to your question. JaMarcus Russell, Akili Smith, and the list goes on and on. The reason teams reach for a quarterback is because it's simply the most important position in the NFL. It's hard to find fault with the strategy when the QB is touching the ball (again, the ball, not my mail sack) on every play.The problem isn't with reaching for a QB. The problem is with the evaluation of the QB position itself. Teams just seem to be poor judges of how a QB will translate to the NFL. And with the lack of pro-style offenses in college football, the task gets harder and harder each year. Teams tend to focus on arm strength and scrambling ability at the expense of accuracy, leadership, and character. Bill Walsh focused on the latter, and I think he did alright for himself.
I personally wouldn't mind seeing the Broncos reach for a return specialist, however. If they got a guy like Trindon Holliday in the 4th round, it could be considered a reach. But I'd support the move. We've all seen what guys like Josh Cribbs can do for a team with respect to field position (the most underrated statistic in football). Holliday would make every punt return interesting. And he would shorten the field for Josh McDaniels.
By the way, another return specialist that has a lot of intrigue is Brandon Banks with Kansas State. Some mock drafters have him even going ahead of Holliday. Banks is smaller than Taylor Mays' thigh, but his work on kickoffs is truly amazing. But I see Holliday is the more durable of the two.
If private workouts are of any importance, then Jacoby Ford might fit the need. The Broncos have already brought Ford in.
And R. David, if you scream at me again, I'm going to have to bring in a Samoan to restrain you. If you haven't heard, they kick ass.
Mr. Johnson, last week you gave me a very terse reply after I poured my heart out to you and the MHR community. You, and all of the rest of your "kind" continue to ignore the pain most of us feel after we lost Jay Cutler. Reading your response to my mental wounds was like gouging out my own eyes with steel-wool. You THINK you can just send me over to the Denver Post so lightly! Huh! Maybe I'm just being difficult. Or maybe not. I don't know. I'm just, well, fragile, okay? This isn't easy. Josh McDaniels hasn't made it easy. I need to journal. Yes. I should go do that. No! Wait, I've made a decision, Mr. Johnson. I'm getting the #6 tattooed on my forehead, but not in Broncos orange and blue. It's going to be in plain, beautiful, black ink, so that everywhere I go, people will be reminded of the beautiful prince that we traded away for simple and common draft picks. Draft picks!
Just so you know, I can again pet kittens. I just want you to know that. It took a lot of hours of Facebooking and listening to more illegal downloads of AFI. I don't know if you deserve more attention from me, Mr. Johnson. I may never write you. I may keep all of this inside. It's just easier.
Do you even care about me?
--Serendipity, Cherry Creek, Colorado
Serendipity: You've got to buck up, little bronco. Hang in there. I dig your style. You've got that whole Emo thing going on. But you've got to get over Jay Cutler, man. You really do. Perhaps you should buy a pussycat and name him Jay. Or JC. Or Jayendipity perhaps.
Also, for every Emo boy there is an Emo girl. Find her. Now.
If you like to see The Dude slack off 24/7, you can always find him on Facebook and Twitter. Or you can email him at: email@example.com. He assumes you are following It’s All Over Fat Man on Facebook and Twitter, but if you are not, that’s nihilistic.