Fat Man blogger TJ “The Dude” Johnson posts The Dude’s Mail Revue on Thursdays, in which he takes your questions about the state of the Denver Broncos. Got a titillating question? Put a dollar bill into the Dude’s G-String and he might answer it—after bowling practice.
TJ, it is with great sadness that I write to you to tell you that I did not make the Broncos Cheerleading squad for 2010. Things were going great until I suddenly pulled my hamstring during my routine as I was rocking to Bad Romance from Lady Gaga. I tried to gut through it. I tried to imagine I was Kyle Orton, playing through the pain. But finally, it was too much. I knew I was done-for when they asked me if I'd rather dance to Katy Perry.
I can walk away with my head held high, TJ. I know you and MHR were pulling for me. Thanks to everyone who believed that a sexually-ambiguous aerobics instructor from Colorado Springs could live the dream. I can't wait to attend a home game this year and watch those girls dancing so fast that Tim Tebow will want to rethink his promise ring!
--Charlie, Colorado Springs, Colorado
Charlie: This is terrible news! We really were pulling for you, my dear friend. But perhaps it was meant to be. Imagine how devastating it would have been for your clients. And do you really want to dance to Alejandro that many times during the season. You seem more like a hard-core R&B dancer to me, but I assume the stripper pole is optional. And remember, it could always be worse. You could be a Raiders fan. Or a stripper. Or a Raiders fan working as a stripper.
Duuuuuude, does Tebow start this year or not? Tell the truth!
--James Clausen, South Bend, Indiana
James: It would be silly of me to backtrack now. I prefer to look at this from the perspective of my three major body parts:
1) The Head : Kyle Orton. This is the logical choice. He's been in the system and knows the offense the best. He should improve on last year's numbers. He should be the QB.
2) The Heart: Brady Quinn. Several years ago, Charlie Weis truly believed this guy was the next Peyton Manning or Tom Brady. From what I hear, he's picking up the offense faster than a Raiders fan picks up sexually transmitted diseases. He lifts weights. He's good looking. And if he's half the player Weis thought, he's golden.
3) "Other:" Tim Tebow. I swell with pride at the thought of Tebow running goal-line sets and confusing defenses.
Peter King has written about all three quarterbacks, and with each subsequent article, I get confused even more. At one point, he's talked about Orton keeping the job. At another, Quinn would have a shot. And finally, he's said that Tebow will be given a chance to win the job as well. What's the lesson in all of this? Peter King is just like the rest of us. He has no idea.
After listening to Def Leoppard for about 30 minutes this evening, it finally came to me. Quinn wins the job by Week 1, and Tebow gives Denver a lot of flexibility in a variety of goal-line sets.
And don't ask me what the "Other" body part is. You already know the answer.
TJ, you are soooo smug, aren't you? Let me tell you something, with the drafting of Tebow, I am done as a Broncos fan. They have no committment to winning. This is just crap.
Done! Do you hear me? I used to be a fan in 1977. Then again in 1986 and 1987. Between those years I was just too busy. 1988 was my Phil Simms protest year. Then 1989 I found my way back to the team. But then, mired in mediocrity, I couldn't follow the team again until 1996. Some people call in my 7-year mid-life crisis. I just call it my "Porsche years," okay? But the point is that it was simply unbearable watching the Broncos during that time. But in 1996, things came around again, and I became a die-hard fan.
I'm telling you, between 1996 and 1999, I bled orange and blue--forever. Forever! But after Elway, it just wasn't the same. In 2005, I came out of my depression briefly, but it was short-lived. I don't know why. I can't put my finger on it. Let's just say, I've been depressed ever since. And then, out of nowhere, I fell in love with Mike Iupati. His giant frame. His flowing locks. His tribal tattoo. Something inside me stirred. I knew the Broncos were destined to draft him. And he was there for the taking. But we dropped the Head N' Shoulders.
I think I'm going to become a 49ers fan. Or at least get with a respectable organization committed to Somoans, like the Steelers. I thought you should know. I. Am. Done.
--Zed, Boulder, Colorado
Zed: You wrote all of that and didn't mention Maa Tanuvasa? Get out of Colorado immediately.
Lebowski, everyone likes to make predictions so they can say they were the first one who got it right. What is your boldest prediction for the Broncos in 2010? By the way, we love MHR over here in Europe!
-- Mike D. Nostredame, Marseille, France
Mike: Would you like it in the form of a quatrain? So be it:
Beasts ferocious with hunger will cross the Chargers,
The greater part of the battlefield (and Jamaal Williams) will be against Rivers.
Into a cage of iron will the great Tebow be drawn,
When the whining Rivers is cast into fire, observe a 12-4 division title.
That about covers it, Mike. And you can keep all the money you win in Vegas. I'm just here for your "entertainment."
TJ, I know you weren't happy with the Demaryius Thomas pick, but you've got to admit, a large wide receiver who can stretch the field is just what the doctor ordered. Get with the program. In the Hooded one we trust!
--B. McDaniels, Parker, Colorado
B: I'm getting hip to the pick. I'm coming along. I still think Eric Decker will have a better 2010 for the Broncos, however. Assuming they both start camp healthy, Decker is just a better route runner and will have more catches and yards. In Denver's offense, however, catching the ball is just one of many skills needed. Thomas is already a better blocker than Brandon Marshall, so all of us should be willing to give this kid some time to learn the offense as the Broncos pound out 4 yards per carry.
Mr. Lebowski, would you consider listing an 80's Glam Rock Song in your "Sack" each week? Nothing screams NFL football like lipstick and leather!
--Thomas Johnston, Cheyenne, Wyoming
Thomas: No problem. I'm actually glad you asked. If there's one thing I know, it's Lip Stick Metal. Most of these songs are so bad they are actually good. I'll sacrifice and give you one each week. Let's see....here you go:
Why It's So Bad It's Good: 1) Sufficient use of hot girls in school uniforms dancing and gyrating; 2) A classroom that suddenly becomes a glam-rock arena; 3) A drummer with a head band, a pirate's shirt, and leather pants--all while catching his drum stick in mid-air!
Best Existential Lyric: "Cuz my baby broke all the rulz"