The Dude’s Mail Revue: Hacks, Josina Anderson turning me on, and testosterone injections

Dude's Mail Revue 400x145

Fat Man blogger TJ “The Dude” Johnson posts The Dude’s Mail Revue on Thursdays, in which he takes your questions and gets your opinion about the state of the Denver Broncos.

You wanna tie the room together?  Or say what you'd like about the tenets of national socialism?

Drop TJ a question:

(NOTE: This week, marmots  were actually harmed in the writing of this Revue)

Dude, okay, here's the deal.  I know that you've got this thing where you criticize the Denver Post each and every day.  It's like Fat Man's thing.  I get that.  I really do.  But do you need to do it so often?  Every day?  Certainly, Woody Paige can't be that bad 24/7.  Is Jeff Legwold walking around like a character from the movie Rain Man the very moment he awakes?  Did Mark Kiszla sell his soul to the devil?  Don't get me wrong, you guys are the best thing out there.  I get a laugh everyday from reading your stuff.  But you, Doug Lee, and now Ted are really laying it on thick, don' you think?  You going after Lindsay Jones next?

--Mark Woodrow Legklis, Arvada, Colorado

Mark:  I get this question a lot.  It's a serious question; it has serious undertones.  Therefore, it deserves a profound and serious answer.  I think I'll ponder it for a few extra seconds now.

Okay, now that the pondering is out of the way, I must ask, are you confusing me with someone else?  While Doug and Ted routinely criticize the Post, I'm just an innocent bystander for the most part--a voyeur if you will.

Really.  No, I'm serious.

Okay, okay, you've got me.  I do criticize them way too much.  The truth is that my buddy Doug Lee is of Chinese descent.  That's the reason.  As you know, the Chinese are taking over the planet, stealing our jobs, and building big-ass casinos in Macau.  They hate Woody Paige with a passion, and not just because he's bad at math.  They hate him because he name drops all the time, but only talks about John Elway and never mentions Mao Zedong.

Now, I just happen to be the dumb Keystone-drinking cracker who follows Doug's criticism blindly because he can do long division in his head and I can't.  Also, Ted lives in Cleveland, and you know, people who live in Cleveland are just pissed off all the time.  You going to stand in his way?  I'm certainly not.

I'm the victim here, Mark.

I've said this before.  For me, Lindsay Jones is untouchable.  Didn't your momma teach you to never hit a girl?  I'm never mean to girls outside of Raiders fans, but even naughty girls need love too. So the next time you see a Raiders hottie (if they exist) at your local sports bar, compliment her on her handcuffs or her Al Davis tattoo.  And if you see Josina Anderson out on the town, tell her she gets a pass because I would never make fun of a hot girl who can treat a pen like this and who specializes in turning a dude on in only 140 characters:

Keys to the perfect Eggo waffle: Toast until golden. Apply whipped butter plus Karo syrup. Microwave for 12 more sec :o)less than a minute ago via Swift

Your Rain Man reference was delightful.  You're telling me Jeff Legwold is like Tom Cruise then?  He's into Scientology and bad sequels?  I guess that explains his use of the same six stats every week.  But I jest.  Legwold can drive my car on the driveway any day of the week as long as Jay Cutler is riding shotgun and the car isn't really my car but Brian Xanders'.  Legwold never met a stat he couldn't back over before hitting the brakes.  Once you run over a stat, it just ain't getting back up.

By the way, Paige is like the Dustin Hoffman character if you've ever watched him on Around the Horn--he tends to repeat himself over and over while walking (his argument) in circles.  But we love him anyway.  He knows the Revue is a satire of his mailbag, so without Woody, I'd probably be eating potato chips and watching Oprah.

Kiszla didn't sell his soul to the devil, Mark.  He sold his street cred.  The phrase "kickin' it" is now so out of fashion, white kids in Alaska have begun adding the "g" back in order to disassociate themselves from Kiszla.  In France, you can't even speak the name Kiszla.  It's like wearing parachute pants.

The serious answer, Mark, is that you are right.  Fat Man is counterculture in Bronco Nation.  That's part of what we do here.  We poke fun--at ourselves, at the Denver Post, at everyone.  We have a lot of anger from living in our parents' basements for so long.  It has to come out somewhere.  There aren't many blogs who dare to question Joe Ellis, Brian Xanders, or even John Elway.  So I doubt we'll stop making fun of that Mogwai Woody Paige?

TJ, you were completely wrong about Orton.  Today, John Elway came out and essentially said that Orton would be the starter if the season began today.  Ready to eat some serious crow yet?

Kylie Mortimer, Parker, Colorado

Kylie:  I never eat crow.  I only eat things that taste like chicken.  So maybe I should take that back.

I'm really not into parsing Elway (since his stats rank him poorly in the pantheon of quarterbacks), but here is what Elway said exactly, from Jeff "Cruise" Legwold's article:

If we had to go right now, but we've got to make a decision about where we're going to go.

Kylie, I hate to tell you this, since we all want to see some football soon, but the season doesn't start right now.   Bubby Brister at one time was the starter "right now."  Donovan McNabb at one point was the starter "right now."  And yes, Drew Bledsoe was at one point the starter "right now."  The truth is that Tim Tebow will be the opening day starter for the Broncos in 2011 (or post-lockout, whenever that occurs).  You can lock it down.  In fact, I'm so sure that Tebow will be the starter next year, I'm willing to wear a Raiders jersey to Invesco Field if he's not.  Either that or I'll write Al Davis a love sonnet or a remake of a Lionel Richie ballad.  It doesn't really matter because Tebow will be the quarterback.

Allow me to translate what Elway said:

Kyle Orton's trade value will go down if we diminish his starting abilities right now.

I'll be doing a Playbook series on this later in the offseason (in fact, I may review every single one of Orton's 3rd-down throws in 2010, complete with diagrams), but despite what Elway says, Orton is not a better quarterback than Tebow.  The results do not lie.  Sure, you can point to the fact that Orton has better footwork or more experience reading defenses, but Orton made some bad decisions on 3rd down this year.  Preposterous, you say?  It's really not.  I hate to bring these stats to light (again, since they will be part of the article), but Kyle Orton is a 3rd-down waiting for a launch that never appears.  Here's three stats that should scare the hell out of you if you want to see Kyle Orton under center next year:

  1. In 2010, Orton ranked 13th in the AFC in 1st-down completion percentage on 3rd down when having 3 yards or fewer to gain.  He ranked 28th in the entire NFL.
  2. In 2010, Orton ranked 11th in the AFC in 1st-down completion percentage on 3rd down with 3 to 7 yards to gain.  He ranked 19th in the entire NFL.
  3. In 2010, Orton ranked 14th in the AFC in 1st-down completion percentage on 3rd and longer than 7 yards.  He ranked 28th in the entire NFL.

I'm not sure if this sort of play fits John Elway's definition of being "adequate" on offense, but it shouldn't.  I hate to give Woody Paige credit where credit is due, but Paige isn't rambling when he talks about Orton's inability to extend plays on 3rd down (either with his feet or his movement in the pocket).  This will be particularly pronounced in a John Fox-led offense, in which you are going to see more conservative play calling (another thing you can take to the bank).

I suppose an amped up running game and a great defense could make these numbers go up, but they'll do the same for Tebow as well.  And at least Tebow can dodge a defender if they beat Ryan Harris off the edge.  And where are you getting all of the ammunition to beef up the defense aside from the picks you already own?  You get more picks.

Remember, Elway ran car dealerships for quite awhile.  Car dealerships don't make money by spouting off objective truth when you step on the lot.  Only when you drive off the lot do you realized what just happened.  So when Tebow is starting next year, after his first game, you can tell me if the Broncos paid too much over the MSRP for him.

Again, I'll have much more about this in the coming months, including analysis of many of Orton's plays and a lot more stats.  I hope you like bird feathers, Kylie.

TJ, I know you are into thought experiments, and John Elway says defense wins championships, so answer this question:  What would happen if a defense that could never be scored on met an offense that always scored?  I await your answer, hombre.

Socrates Unbound, Calgary, Canada

Socrates:  Damn Canadians!  You can't drink with them, and you can't drink with them.  Otherwise you get questions like this.

Of course, you might be a Raiders fan (or a Philosophy 101 student), because you're trying to trick me.  This riddle (or whatever you call this creation) is a contradiction and the two could not exist at the same time.  I won't fall for such things, at least not while I'm sober.   As they say in the Under Armour commercials, "We must protect this philosophical house!"

A more interesting question to me is whether Jay Cutler's knee is an unstoppable force or an immovable object.   Give it four weeks and another MRI and I'll tweet you about it.

And whatever you're putting into your bong, you may want to halve that amount.

Duderino, can you write a long sentence that contains a dash, a comma, a semicolon, a colon, a hyphen, a period, and a parenthetical all while comparing the correlation coefficients between running and passing the football?  Oh, and you have to make fun of Raiders fans also.  I dare you.  My English teacher doesn't think you can do it.

Bob Coontz, Minot, North Dakota

Bob:  Can Jack LaLanne sell you a juicer from the grave?  Hell, yes he can.  So let me give it a whirl.  

Passing and running the football, while seemingly equal in importance to the outcome of smash-mouth football games in the NFL, or dare I say, the very seminal essence of championships, are actually nowhere close to peers with respect to successful football; in fact, the correlations between passing and winning (something Raiders fans only read about in ancient and dusty books) are more than double those of running the football--that funny leather thingy that Al Davis keeps mistaking for one of the following: his own head; a firearm someone from the Black Hole threw onto the field, or the tiny and bouncing remnants of Rich Gannon's pride in being associated with the Raiders.  

Well, that sure was fun.  Next time, let's try for something simpler--egging my neighbor's house, for instance.  He's a Raiders fan.  That would be a good time.

And tell your English teacher to let you read Othello--you know, the story of the league's first black quarterback.

TJ, who are we drafting?  My money is on Nick Fairley.  Can it possibly be anyone else?

Jon, Palo Alto, California

Jon: If Fairley is there, he's as good as gone.  I'm not sold on Da'Quan Bowers as much as everyone else is, despite his Trevor Pryce comparisons.  And I don't think they will draft a cornerback as many "mockers" have them doing.  In the coming weeks, we'll have more in-depth draft coverage, so I'll have to wait awhile before I fully commit.  I can tell you one thing, however.  I won't be putting up my own mock 1st round.  I've got a life, you know.  My parents' basement needs cleaning.

If only we'd had this year's pick last year.  Ndamukong Suh would have forced Philip Rivers to shiver for years to come.

80's Unrelated Glam-Metal Bit

Artist: Def Leppard

Video: Animal

Comment: For me, the single best glam-metal song of the 1980s.  Don't ask me why.  You wouldn't believe the story if I told you.  But it involves tequila, Tijuana, testosterone injections, and a latin girl named Teresa.  That's all I'm going to say.


I’m glad we had this talk.  Now, vaya con Dios, Brah.

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