The Dude’s Mail Revue: Waterboarding with goth girls

Dude's Mail Revue 400x145

Fat Man blogger TJ “The Dude” Johnson posts The Dude’s Mail Revue on Thursdays, in which he takes your questions and gets your opinion about the state of the Denver Broncos.

You wanna roll your way into the semis?

Drop TJ a question:

(NOTE: No marmots were harmed in the writing of this revue)

TJ, let me be quick to the point.  After John Elway comes on board, the Broncos are going to give Xanders full GM powers and hire Jim Fassel as coach.  Think about it, Dude.  Who was the coach that tutored Elway and Phil Simms?  Fassel.   Who resurrected Kerry Collins' career?  Fassel.   The early 1990s were off the hook for Elway under Fassel.  I really think Bowlen and Elway are going turn back the clock.  You hear that little bitty ting?  That's the sound of a lightbulb going off over Elway's head right now.

In case you didn't know it, Fassel is also the one guy who won't be scared away by the theory that Tim Tebow can't play quarterback, either.   Remember you heard it here first, straight out of Palm Beach!

--Robert Van Winkle, Palm Beach, Florida 

Robert:  I actually think your idea has legs, but I hate to disappoint your "ting" theory.  You weren't the first to think about it, although your email did come to me on the 13th and the story in the Denver Post ran on the 14th.  Hmm, maybe you were first.  Heck, go buy yourself a Happy Meal to celebrate.

Fassel has been rumored to return to head coaching many times, however - just not as often as names like Bill Cowher and Jon Gruden.  I don't think it would be the right move, but given how gun shy the Broncos will probably be about hiring a first-time head coach again, I could see the organization going in that direction.  Elway might have some nostalgia for the guy that helped him throw for over 4,000 yards.

As good as Fassel was with Simms and Elway, he was equally bad during his last stop in the NFL as the Ravens' offensive coordinator from 2004-2006.  His reputation hasn't recovered since, despite being linked to several jobs, including the Redskins and the Raiders.  So he took his talents to South Beach The United Football League to be the head coach of the Las Vegas Locomotives.  He's won two titles already.  If you were wondering if the guy still has passion for the game or if he's not taking the UFL gig seriously, watch this and think again (WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE BUT NO ULTRA VIOLENCE):

Now, where have we heard "do your job" before?  I just can't remember.  Can you?

I'd be torn if they went with Fassel.  On one hand, I do see your point about his magic with quarterbacks.  He probably could help Tebow a lot.  On the other hand, he seems more like a guy who can build an organization up for two or three years, but can't sustain the success.  Is he really the best candidate out on the market? 

I have to say I'm still in favor of bringing in one of the Ravens' front office guys and hiring a defensive-minded coach.  But I'm a fan of watching the Steelers and Ravens play (with ultra violence) to scores of 10-6.

TJ, it's fun to watch Pat Bowlen become the next Al Davis.  But it's even funnier watching your hatred of Joe Ellis.  Come on, man, give the guy a break.  He's just covering for the old man, and you know it.  Deep down, you also know the Raiders are too legit to quit.  They are going to put the hammer down on you this weekend.  You thought 59-14 was bad.  Wait until Tom "Cool" Cable and the gang drop 70 on you.  

--Stanley Burrell, Oakland, California

Stan:  There's no way Ellis has been innocent as the Broncos have slid into the cellar.  But don't take my word for it, take Ellis's own words from the Broncos' press conference the day after Josh McDaniels was fired:

I accept the responsibility, and I also accept the fact that he’s [Pat Bowlen] trusted with me a lot of — if not all — of the day-to-day operations of the organization. There have been a lot of things that have happened to our organization that aren’t good and I feel partially — if not close to totally — responsible for a lot of that on his behalf.
I found the part when he caught himself saying "if not close to totally" the most revealing part of the entire press conference.  It was only a few seconds of clarity, but it was clarity nevertheless.  
I've slammed Ellis a lot this week, and I think the criticism is fair.  His admission alone that the Broncos sort of fell into yet another Ghengis Khan-type of power structure with Josh McDaniels is reason enough to blast him.  Either Ellis is the equivalent of a best friend / lightning rod (purposely drawing the public's wrath for an owner who is making decisions without having complete control of his mental faculties) or he's got a lot of power in the organization; the Broncos' recent failures can be traced back to his decisions.  Take your pick.  Neither option is wonderful for the Broncos.    
Another more sinister take would be one that sees Ellis being as manipulative as this guy:


Ellis can redeem himself with the next set of decisions he and (supposedly) Bowlen are going to make.  And I don't mean the Elway hire.  It's all about who they are going to pick as the next GM and coach.  Everything flows from that.  We'll see what he can do.   
Regarding the legitimacy of the Raiders, perhaps you haven't heard.  Cable and the gang are 6-7.  They find themselves in 3rd place in the AFC West.  I realize that's almost as many wins in one season as you've seen in the last decade, but don't count your ambiguously gay pirates chickens before they hatch.  The Raiders have a long way to go.  Parachute pants will come back into style before the Raiders win the division again.

Duder, which defensive starters do you think will be back next year?  Specifically, what about Perrish Cox?

--P. De'Mon Peterson, Baton Rouge, Louisiana 

De'Mon:  The media is being extra cautious in jumping to conclusions about Cox, but since I'm not in the media, I don't mind.  The dude is history as a Bronco.  And it has nothing to do with whether he's guilty or not of rape.  Roger Goodell suspended Ben Roethlisberger for 4 games and he wasn't even arrested for sexual assault.  You think he's going to be any easier on Cox?  Even if Cox doesn't face jail time, Goodell is going to give Cox the nuclear bomb of suspensions.  I wouldn't be surprised if it was an entire NFL season.  Further, do you think the new Broncos regime is going to be excited about keeping Cox around as a McDaniels guy after Joe Ellis said the organization needs to restore honor?

Your first question is interesting.  The answer somewhat depends on if the Broncos remain in a 3-4 next year.  But if I was being blunt, I'd say the only defensive starters you'll see back starting next year--either due to purging or free agency like Champ Bailey--are Justin Bannan, Elvis Dumervil, Robert Ayers, Mario Haggan, Andre' Goodman, and perhaps, just perhaps, DJ Williams.


 TJ, what is up, buddy!  I've taken some time off, but I'm back with a vengeance.  I've completed another mock draft in which the Broncos mix it up.  In an attempt to make the team more Samoan friendly, the Broncos trade Kyle Orton to the 49ers for Mike Iupati.  Then they trade their 1st-round draft pick to the Steelers for Troy Polamalu.   That solves our need at safety and guard immediately.  In my nine months of being a hard-core professional mock drafter, I've never seen the Broncos at such a low.  If it weren't for the fact that there's such a strong bond between me and the Tebow, I don't know what I'd do.  The connect is deep and it is profound.  Deep and Profound.  Profound and deep.  Deepness is the essence of profundity.   And that is Tim Tebow.    By the way you need to go and sign the unleash the Tebow petition.

—Yasser Bin Gered, Tel Aviv, Israel 

Yasser:  I was wondering when we'd hear from you again.  I'm glad you're trying to make a go of professional mocking.  But you're way off base here.  Let me count the ways.  First, let me tell you that projecting trades in your mock draft is bad form and taints you as an amateur.  Not only are you projecting what you think each team will do (which is narcissistic on its own), but you are now projecting trades, which, by its very nature, changes the original premise of what you want to do in the first place--trying to decide who each team will draft.  I'd suggest just telling us who you think the team will draft.  Otherwise, someone is bound to shave your pubes, shove you into a locker, and walk away from you for being such a complete dork.  Second, I don't appreciate the racial undertones of your "Samoan" remark.  If you're only going to mock Samoans to the Broncos, what's to stop the next guy from only mocking backup Caucasian running backs from the SEC to the Broncos?  See what you would have started?  Don't you want the Broncos to win?  Third, you've got it all wrong.  Deepness isn't the essence of profundity.  Joe Ellis is.  Why?  Well, look at it this way: if the guy that drafted profundity isn't even more profound, then what is he?  I just blew your mind, didn't I?

Dude, we're huge Raiders fans, but you can waterboard us anytime!  Would you be up for meeting us in the Black Hole on Sunday?

--Tiffany Kindergothen, Amber Limbercrow, & Missy Darkchild, Oakland, California

Ladies:  As hot as that incredibly tasteless and vulgar innuendo sounds, I have to point out that you are Raiders fans.  I do have my limits: I make it a habit of never waterboarding with girls who triple up on the eye liner and black nail polish.

Here are some folks worth waterboarding, however:


It's amazing what drunken Raiders fans will wear in the morning.  Obviously, Tebow has nothing to be scared of.  

And now, for all those Broncos fans dreaming of better times...

Unrelated Glam-Rock Bit 

This Week’s Glam-Rock 80s Song/Video:  In My Dreams  (1985)

Artist: Dokken

Why It’s So Bad It’s Good: 1) Rain; 2) Cowboy hats with belt buckles and leather coats;  3) George Lynch, sober (we think)

Best Existential Lyric: “ (Broncos front office) Running in circles waiting to see, in my dreams..."

I’m glad we had this talk.  Now, vaya con Dios, Brah.

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