The Dude’s Mail Revue, weekend edition: Paige, white boys, and tasers

Dude's Mail Revue 400x145Fat Man writer TJ “The Dude” Johnson posts The Dude’s Mail Revue on Thursdays whenever the hell he gets around to it.  He takes your questions and gets your opinion about the state of the Broncos and the NFL. You wanna tie the room together?  Or say what you'd like about the tenets of national socialism? Drop TJ a question:

(NOTE: Marmots were harmed in the writing of this Revue)

TJ, I read your stupid column last week blasting Woody Paige for suggesting that Kyle Orton never offered encouragement to Tim Tebow.   Let me jump completely into bed with Woody here.  You are guilty of cherry picking.  You took one shot of Orton on the sideline and used it to suggest that Tebow and Orton were fast friends during Weeks 16 and 17.   That's ridiculous.  Paige is onto something here.  I can feel it.  Orton is a sulker.  You should be ashamed of yourself. You call yourself "The Dude?" I don't like your name and I don't like your blog.  

-- Roy Hardman Oliver, San Paulo, Brazil

Roy: You´re a hard man to please.  It concerns me that you are jumping into bed with Woody so quickly, but maybe that's how they do things in Brazil.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  I'm only fluent in Spanish, so you'll have to forgive me.  I don't know the Portuguese word for Woody Paige defender.  ¿Me entiendes, güey?

Regarding your accusations against me - I actually pointed out three instances--in one half of play.  Don't blame me because Old Man Paige decided to bring out the shotgun loaded with hyperbole and aim it at Orton for walking on his property. Paige wrote that Orton "never" encouraged Tebow.  That's a lie, like Paige's accusation that Orton wasn't in Denver to work out.  Now that Brady Quinn has emerged as a potential starting candidate, expect Paige to say something negative about Quinn's whey protein.  

I'm not sure if Orton and Tebow were drinking buddies during those last two weeks of the season, though, Roy.  You have me there.  Maybe they just decided to watch Top Gun or Cobra (according to Paige, Orton is the disease, Tebow is the cure).

This isn´t about taking a position on the Tebow vs. Orton debate (although I´ve sided with Tebow in my previous writing).  It´s about defending guys who drive Priuses; it's about defending guys who can grow alien-like neckbeards; it's about defending guys who can handle their Jack Daniels.

Oh, and it's definitely about making myself feel smarter than everyone else at the expense of that old coot Paige.

Dude, tell Ted Bartlett he's cocky and arrogant.  He thinks only white people like Peyton Hillis?  Well that's just stupid.  I'm sure there are plenty of black guys in places like Maine that love Hillis.   If only white people like Peyton Hillis, why did Hillis make the cover of Madden this year?

--John Blanco, Bangor, Maine

John: I'll pass along your thoughts to my friend Ted, although I can assure you, I'm ten times as arrogant as he is.  In fact, I email Ted each week just to tell him how arrogant I am--ten times.

Regarding Hillis, I agree with Owen Good, who wrote:

He's the first Madden cover star from a losing team. The first with no Pro Bowl appearances at the time of his selection. He led NFL running backs in one statistical category last year - fumbles.

Sure, it had nothing to do with him being a white running back.  It had nothing to do with the fact that Packers fans actively lobbied each other to keep #1 seed Aaron Rodgers from being the coverboy and thus avoid the Madden Curse for their QB.  And it had absolutely nothing to do with Hillis facing a convicted felon in Mike Vick.  It was simply the overwhelming support of all Americans working in racial harmony that landed Hillis on the cover - you know, because he did so much.  

Nobody at this blog has anything against that average white boy Hillis.  But the novelty of a white running back simply wears off faster than you can say "Madden Cover Jinx."

Oh, by the way, John - there are no black guys in Maine.  I mean, that's if you can trust the arrogant census data.

I'm glad we had this talk.

TJ, what was the biggest surpise of the draft?  For me it was Jake Locker.  The guy was the sure-fire first pick at the end of his junior year.  Then many people had him dropping into the late second round.  In the end he was a top-10 pick.  You think he's really that good?

-- Jose Sandoval, Monterrey, Mexico

Jose: As a comparison, Jay Cutler was drafted 11th overall, and if we are being honest with ourselves, Cutler was considered a better prospect than Locker.  My point in bringing up Cutler is that Locker is likely to get one season max before Titans fans are going to expect him to be a franchise quarterback.  I highly doubt, however, that Locker is going to say he throws harder than Steve McNair, so maybe he'll get a little more time.  My personal feeling is that he'll be exactly like Jake Plummer.  When he's out of the pocket, he'll be one of the best throwers in the NFL.  Inside the pocket, he'll be simply average.  Can you build an offense around a guy like this?  Absolutely.   We saw the Broncos do it with Plummer.  

By the way, have I ever mentioned my theory on Jake Plummer and Champ Bailey?  I believe that if Champ Bailey had taken Ben Roethlisberger's gift interception to the house in the 2005 AFC Championship Game, Jake Plummer would probably still be the Broncos' quarterback today.  The Broncos would have beaten the Steelers, won the Super Bowl two weeks later, and would just now be getting around to drafting their own quarterback of the future.  Crazy theory, I know.  

The biggest surprise of the draft could have been Christian Ponder to the Vikings or Da'Quan Bowers sliding to pick 51, but those are surprises that everyone brings up.  By definition, those aren't surprises.  Let me mention a good surprise closer to home.  Chris Prosinski, the hard-hitting safety out of the University of Wyoming was drafted by the Jags in the fourth round.  Here's what Pro Football Weekly had to say about Prosinski:

Prosinski stood out at his pro-day workout, when he clocked sub-4.4 times in the 40 at 6-1, 201 pounds. He also had a 39 1/2-inch vertical jump. He can immediately contribute as a core special-teamer and backup safety, and has potential to be groomed.

Having seen Prosinski play for four years, I think he is starter material within two years.  He was largely ignored by scouts because he played for a team that struggled in the largely ignored Mountain West Conference (other than when the national media wanted to rip TCU for its strength of schedule).   But the guy is a solid player, make no mistake about it.  He will come up and punish running backs and reads the quarterback well.  He will flat out hunt you when you come across the middle.  In case you missed him, here is some tape:
Prosinski is living proof that you don't have to be a white running back to get drafted.  Even white kids from Buffalo, Wyoming can occasionally find their way to the NFL.  Watch out for Posinski in the future.

TJ, I can't see the Broncos stopping the run again this year after not picking any defensive tackles in the draft.  The free agents that keep coming up (Barry Cofield, Brandon Mebane) are going to cost the Broncos a lot of money.  Do you think they've backed themselves into a corner and will have to overpay for one of these free agents?

-- Brett Willson, Oklahoma

Brett:  In short, yes.  I would throw everything it took to get Cofield.  He would immediately upgrade the line.  He's only missed one game in five years.  Further, he's a perfect 4-3 defensive tackle for this defense (a penetrator), and has one of the finest dances after a sack that you'll ever see.  Perhaps you've forgotten the taser dance?

There are two great things going on in this video.  First, a 300-pound man is replicating a taser event to perfection.  Second, Jay Cutler took another sack.

I'd also give Marcus Thomas a shot at the other tackle position this year.  He was one of the few Broncos defenders who actually seemed pissed off last year when the Broncos were losing.  He played with furious anger.  He's also naturally suited to the 4-3.  

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not happy the Broncos left a lot of talented defensive tackles on the board when they did.   And it should be pointed out that X-Man has gone three straight drafts without addressing defensive tackle.  However, let's not drop our drawers just yet.  Getting Cofield would address the defensive line as significantly as any of the draft picks outside of Marcell Dareus and Nick Fairley.

If you are sill wondering if Cofield would be a good fit for a Dennis Allen defense, don't.  Cofield was almost traded to the Saints before the beginning of last year, but couldn't work out a contract extension.   He's coming to Denver, if Dennis Allen has any sway.

TJ, please bring back your weekly "waterboarding candidate."  I got a chuckle at work every time I would see one of those pictures.

-- Jed Wright, Broomfield, Colorado

Jed: I'm glad you enjoyed them.  I can certainly oblige.  How about this fan of the silver and black?

They're so cute when they wear the studded shoulderpads, aren't they?

TJ, I can't wait this weekend to watch Priest, the movie based on the comic book series.   If you are tired of the lockout and you've got some time to kill you should check it out.  

-- Lars Olinson, Fargo, North Dakota

Lars: Okay, I'll admit it, I have browsed through the comics a time or two.  You caught me.  But, I'm telling you, if you've seen one humanity-battles-vampires-to-survive flick, you've seen them all.  Save yourself the $50 in admission and popcorn and watch John Carpenter's Vampires from 1988.  You get James Woods and a crossbow.  Throw in a Baldwin brother before drugs and what more can you ask for, Lars?  I even found it on YouTube for free.  Don't worry about the Norwegian subtitles.  That's half the fun.

I would have embedded the video here, but I'm sensitive to some of our readers' need for a little less of the ol' ultra voilence.

If you prefer slaughter, Joe Ellis prefers to suck your very blood, so make sure you renew your season tickets.

Dude, did you see recently that Tim Tebow was ranked the 10th-most influential athlete in Forbes?  Did John Elway ever get that high on the list?

--Sonny Sanchez, Westminster, Colorado

Sonny: As the Forbes piece indicates, "influential" is a relative term, so any list like this is going to be ripe with assumptions.  For example, Tim Tebow is probably very influential with Florida Christians.  However, I'm guessing he has little sway with goat-sacrificing graduates from LSU.  Nor are Alabama fans who poison trees (roll damn Tide?) likely to head out to their local Wal-Mart for a pair of Jockey underwear after watching a Tebow commercial.  I'd put Oakland Raiders fans in this category as well, but Raiders fans will indeed be influenced by Tebow to the tune of two losses each and every year.  Take solace, though.  Fans of the Silver and Black probably kill trees with the blood of goats.

Here is the most interesting quote about Tebow from the piece:

Nonetheless Tebow still holds the interest of NFL fans who wonder if his unconventional game will succeed in the pro ranks. One other thing about Tebow: his reputation for clean living and willingness to show his Christian faith publicly mostly serve to make him popular, though it's a bit polarizing. The 13% of respondents who say they "dislike" Tebow or "dislike him a lot" is the most of anyone but [Lebron] James (15%), even as many more claim to like him.

This, in a nutshell is Tim Tebow in the modern-day landscape of the United States.  It's hard to find anyone who has a middle-of-the-road view on him.    

I don't know the answer to the question about Elway.  I suspect his two Super Bowl rings and cheerleader wife rank him more influential than your average Chicago bear.

Unrelated 80s Glam-Rock Video

Artist: Y & T

Song: Contagious (1987)

Why it's so bad it's good:  If you don't like guys with pirate shirts, leather jackets, and teased-out hair showing up in your neighborhood, you better be cool, man.  Also, if you don't like the drums/guitar combo two thirds of the way through this song, I simply don't know what to do with you.  Give me your damn pirate shirt, now!  You're not worthy.

Best/Worst Lyric: "Let's get dangerous, it's contagious."

TJ Johnson can be reached through telegraph, ESP, Spanish interpretor, or via email: Follow him on Facebook and Twitter if you want to see him mock "the man."  He assumes you are following It’s All Over Fat Man on Facebook and Twitter, but if you are not, that’s nihilistic, man.


I’m glad we had this talk.  Now, vaya con Dios, Brah.

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