The Dude’s Mail Revue: Waterboarding the Black Hole

Dude's Mail Revue 400x145

Fat Man blogger TJ “The Dude” Johnson posts The Dude’s Mail Revue on Thursdays, in which he takes your questions and gets your opinion about the state of the Denver Broncos.

You wanna roll your way into the semis? You want a toe--with nail polish--by 3 o'clock?

Drop TJ your question @

(NOTE: No marmots were harmed in the writing of this revue)

Dude, since we crushed the Chiefs last week, has the Curse of Brett Kern been lifted?  Did the limerick work?  I tweeted him three times since last week, but he has yet to respond.  Your thoughts?  That cat really needs to get out and party.

—Mitchell S. Berger, Vancouver, British Columbia 

Mitchell:  Kern hasn't officially forgiven the Broncos for cutting him via his Twitter account as we requested last week, so we're not completely sure about the Curse.  However, Fat Man has some serious reach and influence in the shady underworld of punters and kickers.  Word on the street from our sources is that Kern is well aware of the Curse and has been to the site several times. 

But we also overheard him saying this last week, too:


Maybe he was talking about another curse--the one on the Denver Dream perhaps? No?

Well, as Fat Man reader BroncosLady pointed out several weeks ago, Kern has every incentive to want to maintain the Curse on Josh McDaniels as long as possible.  That's why I had to whip out a limerick to Kern last week, praising his Toledo Rockets, who won last night as we projected.

So the Broncos won; the Titans lost; the Toledo Rockets won.  That's about how things ought to work if the Curse is truly lifted.

This week the Broncos face the Chargers, so it's important that we do something else just in case.

I'm considering sacrificing my cat, Jesus Quintana, if that's what it takes.  He hasn't been making good picks anyway.   Or perhaps I'll just write this haiku for Kern, but I'll do it Yoda-Style:

Brett this Curse release.

A bowl game Toledo gets.

Sorry McD was.

As always feel free to tweet Kern here.   He'll forgive the Broncos--eventually.  Now, get back to your booze.


TJ--I'm becoming a fan of your Playbook Abides Series.   I know you said the Broncos used zone blitzes, but can you elaborate a bit more on the Broncos' use of the Double-A gap blitz?  Did it work as well as the zone blitz appeared to work?

—Mark Goussard, Bronx, New York

Mark: The Broncos did in fact use the double A-gap blitz in the 3rd quarter when they were up 42-10.  Actually, to be honest with you, the Broncos blitzed on virtually every pass play that series.  I counted 5 cornerback/safety blitzes alone on that drive.  In the 3rd and 4th quarters they blitzed Matt Cassel on virtually every pass play.  It's almost as if they were simply working on blitzing just for fun.  Also, something tells me that the Broncos would like the Chargers to game plan as if the Broncos will be coming off the corner on Monday night.  So of course, that makes me think we actually might see the Broncos use less blitzing.

At any rate, they did use the double A with 7:03 remaining in the 3rd quarter.  Here's how the Broncos diagrammed the play:


The idea, as you can see, is that the two inside linebackers put a huge strain in the center--physically and mentally.  The center may, after all, make a horrible line call here.    

The play didn't work as planned in this particular case.  Cassel was in the shotgun, so he simply hit the hot read, which was the halfback going to the flat.  

I think, given the lead the Broncos had in the game, they were just working on things.  This made Todd Haley as hot as a chili pepper, but I think it was good for Wink Martindale to work out the kinks of his blitz packages this way.  Better against the Chiefs than against the scout team--wait, that's the same thing, isn't it?


TJ, you suggested waterboarding Chiefs fan and American Idol Winner David Cook last week.  That was pretty uncalled for.  And brutal, I might add.  Are you really suggesting we torture pop singers?  

—Ruben Studdard , Birmingham, Alabama

Ruben:  You really took things the wrong way, man.   If you read what I actually wrote, you would have known that I said I was personally against waterboarding, except in a few rare cases.  Let me name a few:

  1. Phil Rivers
  2. AJ Smith (and his head)
  3. And pretty much all these tools


I'll leave Justin Bieber off the list--at least for a week.


Dear Mr. Johnson,

With McDaniels trading or waiving all the first-round picks we've ever made, how long do you think this Tebow guy (is that his name?) stays before getting traded?

Jacksonville Chamber of Commerce

JCC:  Sorry, but you've just been added to my list of waterboarding candidates.


TJ, people keep making a fuss about Peyton Hillis and Alphonso Smith, but how come Josh "Napoleon" McDaniels gets no heat for releasing Kory Lichtensteiger, especially now that he's started the last 3 games for the Redskins? You've got an answer for that one, or are you going to continue your snarky attitude?   He's even on the Pro Bowl ballot.  We released a possible Pro Bowl O-lineman for nothing in return? Dude,this is beyond crazy now.  Bring in a GM with balls.

--S. Tundquist
—Cherry Creek, Colorado

Mr. Tundquist: I'd completely forgotten about Liken...Licken...ah, hell, you know--the guy you just said.  I think we should hammer McDaniels also for his botched handling of the Blake Schlueter situation (the Broncos' 7th-round pick in 2009) and the Jammie Kirlew debacle (this year's 7th-round pick).   There's no way you can just let those guys go for nothing.  I mean, couldn't we have received a pack of Lucky Strikes in return?  Or at the very least a Thundercats tee-shirt?

Your point about bringing in a GM has merit also.  Hmmm, I'm just not sure, though.  Matt Millen had balls.  Brains, no so much.    

I'll pound the Credence and the Kahlua and get back to you.


Now, a little diddy for Phil Rivers…

Unrelated Glam-Rock Bit

This Week’s Glam-Rock 80’s Song/Video:  You've Got Another Thing Comin'  (1982)

Why It’s So Bad It’s Good: 1) Noise Pollution Test Zone 2) Studded Leather 3) Synchronized Guitarists

Best Existential Lyric: “(Phil Rivers) You've got another thing comin'..."

I’m glad we had this talk.  Now, vaya con Dios, Brah.

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