The Dude’s Mail Revue (Raiders Edition): The sorority kegger, the busty Raiders & the vertical game

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Fat Man blogger TJ “The Dude” Johnson posts The Dude’s Mail Revue on Thursdays, in which he takes your questions about the state of the Denver Broncos. Got a titillating question? Put a dollar bill into the Dude’s G-String and he might answer your question—after bowling practice.

TJ, give it up, man.  I know you’re Mail Revue is fake.  How many stupid personalitys do you have in their, huh? Me and my friends, we’ve decided that we will pretty much deck you if you ever show you’re face in the Black Hole, baby.  Oakland Raiders are forever. Al Davis is more tougher at his advanced age than anyone in the Broncos pitiful organization.  What is the matter, huh?  No more JaMarcus Russell jokes to tell?  What are you gonna do now, dude?  I’ll tell you what, you our going to fall down on the ground in the fetail position and cry like a little girl. Raider Nation Rulz!
—Kirk Jacobs, San Leandro, California

Kirk:  Oh, it’s Raiders week, and suddenly, my Revue is flooded with emails from convicts and Raiders fans—oops, same guys.  I can see how great you’re doing in your phonics program, so I’ll keep my comments as above board as possible.  First, if you think this Revue is falsified in any way, you are as mistaken as Sebastian Janikowski driving down a one-way street after a USC sorority kegger.  You’ve seen A Beautiful Mind, haven’t you?  No, not A Beautiful Grind.

Second, about half of my personalities could walk into the Black Hole wearing as little as an orange-and-blue thong and a John Elway jersey and beat down any Raiders fan dressed in Halloween drag.  This isn’t Sparta we are talking about.  We’re talking about guys who paint their face silver and black—but only after exfoliating gently.  Third, Al Davis is not forever, he’s just drinks enough rat blood each morning to look that way.  Diamonds and cockroaches are forever.  And we know which of these the Raiders are.  Fourth, Al is tough, but the last time he was as tough as you’re describing was when back when John Madden wore pants so tight you could see his twig and berries.

Fifth, there’s always room for a JaMarcus Russell joke, but why go there when it’s not necessary.  You’re either starting your 3rd-string QB this weekend or Jason Campbell.  And as Rich Gannon said last week, Campbell was trying really, really hard to memorize formations in the Raiders’ offense.  That should have come, oh, I don’t know, in training camp.  You ought to re-sign Gannon and let him throw left-handed.  The Raiders might get farther in Raider Nation.  Lastly, and most importantly, what’s wrong with crying?  Didn’t you hear, Ben Roethlisberger cried in the parking lot after his team’s win last week; the media already forgot all about his 4-week suspension.   

TJ, not all Raiders fans are idiots, miscreants, or neanderthals.  Some of us lead perfectly normal lives.  I am working on my PhD in Botany while holding down a night job.  You are stereotyping Raiders fans.  Please stop it.  I noticed last week you listed your Top 5 Broncos of the 80s.  How about offering up an olive branch and doing the same for the Raiders?
—Tammy Cable, Oakland, California

Tammy:  My sincere apologies.  I’ve never met a Raiders fan as studious as you are, I must admit.  The Raiders fans I know are such bad students, they can barely pass a blood-alcohol test.  The only plants they grow cause dry mouth; their night jobs involve pole dancing and hip-hop music.  To find out that a pot-smoking stripper can also hold down college full time is both a testament to your work ethic and your efficiency as a lap-dancer.  In the interest of peace, however, let me meet you halfway.

Instead of the Top 5 Raiders of the 80s, how about the Top 5 Raiders Busts of All Time?  It’s both more fun and more fitting:

Top 5 Raiders Busts of All Time
1) Todd Marinovich.  Marinovich is the poster child for what happens when bad parents go bad(der).  His father was a strength and conditioning coach for Al Davis (a good warning sign) with a penchant for Soviet Bloc training techniques.  Marinovich was forced into a hardcore training and nutritional regiment from the time he was a child.  It worked for awhile.  But in high school he began daily use of marijuana that continued throughout college.  Despite this, and despite a shaky end to his college career, Marinovich was selected by the Raiders in the 1st round in 1991.  Within 36 months he had drug-tested his way out of the league and graduated on to harder drugs like LSD.  Today, he’s still trying to get his life together.  For a primer on how not to raise your kids, read this excellent Esquire piece on what Marinovich is doing these days.

2)  JaMarcus Russell.  It was hard not to put Russell at number one, but only because Russell has an outside and slim chance of resurrecting his career in some form.  Russell also has his own drug issues, but not nearly at the level of Marinovich.  What more is there to say other than Russell was the 1st overall pick in 2007, has a 52% career completion percentage and a QB rating of 65.2.  He may be the first QB in the league to ever have topped 300 pounds.  Many have called him the biggest bust in NFL history.  The fact that he was a Raider makes it even sweeter. 

3) John Clay.  An oldie but a goodie.  Clay started just 10 games with the Raiders at offensive tackle after being drafted in the first round in 1987.  In 1988 he was traded to the Chargers (killing 2 teams with one stone!), and then after another season was out of the league.  Before the draft, this is what Clay had to say:

“I give people expectations to be something I’m not.  I’m not a big, rowdy guy who bullies people. I just like to relax and take it easy.”

And relax he did.  Al Davis still pulled the trigger anyway.  Broncos fans everywhere are glad he did.

4) Bob Buczkowski.  A first-round draft pick with the Raiders in 1986 as a defensive lineman, the guy played a grand total of 3 games with the team.  A back injury did the most damage to him, but in 2005, he apparently got his groove back on.  He was arrested for drug running and a prostitution ring

5) Robert Gallery.  Imagine drafting Ryan Clady, but with the second overall pick.  And imagine drafting Clady that high only to see him be forced to play guard after getting consistently beaten off the edge.  Now, my friends, you have Robert Gallery.  Admittedly, the guy is an above average left guard in the running game.  And he was a victim of a series of horrible coaches in Oakland.  But by picking him #2 overall in 2006 as a can’t-miss left tackle, he’s on the list. 

Honorable Mention:  Darrius Heyward-Bey, Patrick Bates, Darren McFadden.


Dude, I’ll be honest with you.  My mother and I are more Tim Tebow fans than we are Broncos fans, but since Tebow is a Bronco, we are now Broncos fans, too.  Mother doesn’t really approve when Josh McDaniels uses those curse words on TV.  And she won’t read your stuff either due to the sexually-charged content of your Mail Revues.  She says it’s vile.  But I was able to sneak away for a bit and write to you.  But you know how mothers are.  Why, she wouldn’t even harm a fly.  In fact, I bought her a Tebow jersey to wear.  Someday I hope there is a girl out there who can impress her enough to deserve a Tebow jersey herself.

Do you think we’ll see Tim Tebow against the Raiders this week?  I loved the plays we had for him against the Jets.  Why not use him more?
—Norvin Beats, Fairvale, California

Norv: Your mom seems like a tough chick.  I sure wouldn’t cross her. You are proof, I suppose, that a boy’s best friend is his mother. 

Regarding your question, they could easily use Tebow this week, but why waste him?  The Raiders are 31st in the league in yards allowed per run at 5.01 yards, so the surprise would be wasted.  If there was ever a week to get the running game going, it’s this week.  The Broncos just need to line up this week and beat the Raiders into submission.  I wouldn’t give the Chiefs or Chargers any additional game footage of Tebow.  Let them guess when he’s coming into the game.  If Josh McDaniels uses him every week, opponents will just have that much more game tape in order to get an edge.  I think McDaniels was clever this week when he said:

“I think the defense knows if it’s a quarterback back there you certainly have to be ready to play the pass, and that would certainly be the case with Tim. So we’ll see how it goes. It gave us some good plays (Sunday). We’ll probably continue to tinker with it, including his ability to throw the ball too.”

Let me translate this quote for you:  “I hope all the teams that play us get paranoid about all the different things we are going to be doing with Tebow.  Spend a lot of time preparing for our Tebow sets.”

The interesting thing this week is that writers are pointing out that Tebow will need to become a dual threat when he’s out on the field.  Isn’t that obvious?  It’s not like we are talking about Ronnie Brown here.  Tebow, even with a slight hitch, is more than capable to throw the ball when he comes into the game.  McDaniels isn’t going to reveal these plays until it’s critical—i.e., against the Kansas City Chiefs.  In fact, I hope that we don’t see Tebow again until Kansas City.  He will be that much more of a weapon. 

As I write this, I’m also thinking some more about your lady problem.  Have you thought about presenting mother with a Raiders girl?  Sometimes opposites really do attract.  Your mother may not be so stiff around her.  Think about it for awhile.  There are plenty of Raiders girls out there.  Just look for your nearest gentlemen’s club.  Make sure mother knows it’s for gentlemen, too.  Keep us up to date on how this goes, will you?


Dude,  I’ve got a problem.  My father is a Broncos fan and he’s an Arab Christian.  My mother is a Raiders fan and she’s a secular Jew.  It’s crazy.  You should see the house when the two teams play.  If the Broncos win, it was god-willing.  If the Raiders win, it was the excellence of the Raiders organization.  I never know who to pull for.  But I’ve got a question.  How does a multi-religious and multi-cultural guy like me become like Mel Kiper, Jr.?  He seems to be the standard bearer when it comes to the NFL Draft, and I can’t get enough of this great American game.  I’ll have to send you some of my mocks later on.  My early take:  the Broncos are going to draft Marcell Dareus out of Alabama, even if they have to trade up to get him.  It could happen! 
—Yasser Bin Gered, Tel Aviv, Israel

Yasser: I’ve always pegged Raiders fans as heathens, myself.  Who should you pull for? Come on, man.  This is a Broncos blog.  I almost threw your question out, just for asking.  Like the last reader, Norm, buy yourself a Tebow jersey and paint every cross orange and blue.

How do you become like Mel Kiper, Jr., outside of the annoying voice?  The first thing you are already doing well.  Always use the word “could” and “might” when referring to prospects.  This way, you can always have some wiggle room; you don’t have to take a real stand on your projections.  You can simply say that you said someone might go here or might go there.  Second, use as many buzzwords as possible.  Here’s a starter pack of phrases for you:

1) Upside Potential
2) Skyrocketing up teams’ draft boards
3) Best Player Available
4) Freakish Athleticism
5) Character Issues
6) 5-Technique (sounds kinky, but it’s not)
7) Smooth Hips (sounds kinkier, but it’s not)
8) Ball instincts (sounds even kinkier, but it’s not)
9) Great work ethic
10) Proven Winner

This should get you started.  Walter Football already has a leg up on you, so you’d better hustle.  Third, your mocks need to change and slot them to different teams.  Do not lock on to one player for a team over two subsequent mocks.  Variety is the spice of life and of mock drafts.  Next time, you’d better tell me the Broncos are drafting Jake Locker.  Ridiculous?  Who cares?  Fourth, project at least 4 huge trades in the 1st round of your draft analysis.  Americans are suckers for seeing if someone got screwed on a deal.  Lastly, under no circumstances should you do your own research or watch game film.  It takes too much time. That’s why Tim Tebow invented the internet.  So you could copy and paste someone else’s work. 

I can’t tell you how to get Kiper’s hair.  Distort earth and time in order to be born Samoan? 


Lecrapski, your blog is crappy crap.  Where are all of your cool graphics?  You only have 92 fans on Facebook?  That’s nothing.  The Denver Broncos Cheerleaders have over 95,000.  Don’t you know the first thing about blogging?  Hot girls always win,  like the vertical game. 
—Albert, Oakland, California

Al: Well, we tried to get the Broncos cheerleaders to promote us, but they were a little tied up with getting ready for Broncos games.  They just didn’t return our calls.  And when hot girls don’t return your calls, you feel like cryin’.  We are patient, however.  Listen, though, we are big in Australia (Good morning, Sydney!), and we are hoping to link up with some fine-arse Sheilas to promote us intercontinentally.  We’re also huge in the UK (Good morning, London!), and in England you don’t need to have thousands of cheerleaders to make you feel good about yourself.  You just need a warm sweater this time of year—preferably orange and blue.

My crack research staff tells me that our 92 fans have more than triple the number of advanced degrees than the number of high school diplomas in the Black Hole on any given Sunday. By halftime, that number quadruples. 

The vertical game is only vertical if it’s vertical.  Right now, the Raiders are playing the horizontal game.  What’s it called when the Raiders go backwards?  I’m not sure, but it’s pretty cool.  But remember, Jason Campbell is the next Jim Plunkett


And now, in honor of enjoying every single moment of Raiders week…


Unrelated Glam-Rock Bit

This Week’s Glam-Rock 80’s Song/Video: Lick It Up (1983)

Artist: Kiss

Why It’s So Bad It’s Good:  1) Leopard-print boots;  2) Scantily-clad girls emerging from potholes; 3)Skulls ; 4) Fire; 5) Wristbands

Best Existential Lyric: “It ain’t a crime to be good to yourself…”


If you like to see The Dude slack off 24/7, you can always find him on Facebook and Twitter. Or you can email him at: tjthedudejohnson@gmail.com.  He assumes you are following It’s All Over, Fat Man! on Facebook and Twitter, but if you are not, that’s nihilistic.

I’m glad we had this talk.  Now, vaya con Dios, Brah.

Agree, disagree, just like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter so I can quit my day job.

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