The Dude’s Mail Revue: One hunky mailbag

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Fat Man blogger TJ “The Dude” Johnson posts The Dude’s Mail Revue on Thursdays, in which he takes your questions about the state of the Denver Broncos. Got a titillating question? Put a dollar bill into the Dude’s G-String and he might answer your question—after bowling practice.

TJ, I’m glad to see you back answering questions about the Broncos!  Where have you been all summer?  I’ve been carrying this question for a few weeks.  Now tell me - Brady Quinn has the looks that kill, but do you think he’ll be with the Broncos next year after his mediocre preseason?
—Linda, South Bend, Indiana

Linda:  First, thanks for the nice welcome.  I decided to come back strong for the 2010 season with a new title for my mailbag, The Dude’s Mail Revue.  It promises to be even more scintillating than ever.  This means more spandex, more hairspray, more lipstick, and certainly more 80s glam metal.  This summer?  Well, you know, I spent most of my time occupying various administration buildings… smoking a lot of thai stick… breaking into the ROTC… and bowling.  But let’s get to your questions, shall we? 

I agree.  Quinn might have the looks that kill, but during the preseason, his arm killed the Broncos.  I honestly thought he was going to do very well under Josh McDaniels, but he just hasn’t taken advantage of his opportunities, not that playing with 3rd-string players is much of a chance.  And with the pressure that is sure to come from Tim “I just want to get better everyday” Tebow, it’s hard to think Quinn’s got a bright future in Denver. 

Quinn’s contract runs through 2011.  Orton just signed an extension through 2011.  And the Broncos are going to do everything in their power to make sure Tebow doesn’t end up being the next Alphonso Smith.  If Quinn’s ego doesn’t prevent him from accepting a backup role, you could see a situation in which Orton signs with another team in 2012, Tebow takes over the reins, and Quinn plays out his years in Denver as a backup.  He’d at least be in a QB-friendly system.  And I doubt in 2012 there would be a lot of teams willing to hand Quinn a starter’s job.

Keeping Quinn around in 2011 only costs the Broncos $700,000.  That’s not JaMarcus Russell money, so don’t be surprised if Quinn stays a Bronco longer than you think.

Dude, I can’t stop laughing at the Chargers this week.  Not only did they lose to the Chiefs, but their two Pro Bowlers, Marcus McNeill and Vincent Jackson, are gone for almost the entire season.  I think we can sweep them this year.  I really do.  My question is this.  Wouldn’t bringing Jackson, the former UNC WR, make sense for the Broncos? 
—Chip (UNC Lover), Greeley, Colorado

Chip: There are three problems with your scenario.  First, the Broncos just jettisoned a talented, problem-child receiver in Brandon Marshall.  They don’t want to take on another diva at wideout.  Second, they drafted Demaryius Thomas to fill the role of their big-bodied wideout (with a contract to match).  If Thomas can stay out of the training room (and continue being mentored by Rod Smith), the Broncos expect that he’ll put up a yards-per-catch average similar to Jackson’s.  And third, which is the most important, A.J. “The Head” Smith wouldn’t think about trading him in the division like you saw the Eagles do with Donovan McNabb.  Smith’s ego is so large, he is going to do everything he can to punish Jackson, even if that means giving Jackson’s agent permission to only talk to one team (check!) and losing potential trade value by not trading Jackson before the 53-man roster deadline (check!), which was September 4th.  Don’t be surprised if Smith sends a group of scary clowns to Jackson’s next birthday party. 

I am delighted in the Chargers’ defeat, though, just like you.  Philip Rivers recently said he thinks the Chargers can win without McNeil and Jackson.  Thus far, the score is The NFL 1, Phil Rivers’ Dirty Mouth 0.


Obi Wan Lebowski, your thoughts on the Laurence Maroney trade?  I think we hyperdrived you guys, to be honest.  We still love McDaniels in this parsec of the galaxy, but remember, Belichick is the Dark Sith Lord, and McDaniels simply his Sith apprentice.
—Vader’s Light Saber, Boston Massachusetts

Star Wars Nerd: I’m guessing you aren’t real popular with the ladies, are you?  Do me a favor, please.  First, stop blowing your paycheck on Lego Star Wars.  They are toys, dude, not collectibles.  Second, this Halloween, please don’t dress up as a clone again.  If I see you walking around my neighborhood looking for treats with your star trooper buddies again, I’m going to go all Chewbacca on you. 

It’s getting old.  If you haven’t noticed, girls dig vampires.  Always have.  Always will.

Now, with respect to your question, I think you’re wrong.  As Fat Man’s own Doug Lee pointed out yesterday, Maroney cost the Broncos about 45 points of draft value.  Maroney is still only 25 years old, he’s played extremely well in McDaniels’ system, and he’s participated in some huge games, including the 2007 Super Bowl.

I’m sure you’d bring up his injuries, but let me tell you, man, I’ve pulled my own groin muscle bowling before, and with a little ice and some stretching, I was ready for the semis.  You’ll see Maroney on the field before you can say “C3PO.” 


El Señor Dude, I saw that you predicted that the Broncos would go 12-4 this year?  Now that they are 0-1, do you want to change your prediction?
—John, Loveladies, New Jersey

John:  I’ve actually been to Loveladies before.  This was after I toured Sweetlips, Tennessee.  And before I hit up Intercourse, Pennsylvania.  All good places.  All.  Good.  Man.

I think I’ve said 12-4 or 10-6.  I’ve even said 11-5.  What do you expect from a slacker? You know, John, this is a complicated season, man.  There are a lotta ins, lotta outs, lotta what-have-yous. And, uh, lotta strands to keep in my head, man. Lotta strands in old Duder’s head. Luckily I’m adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug regiment to keep my mind limber. 

I’m thinking 10-6 and a wild card, but only because everyone else—and I mean everyone else—is picking them to finish 3rd or 4th in the division.  And you know when everyone is predicting one thing, it’s always wise to go the other way.  You would know this if you ever got out of Loveladies. 

Really, though, they will do better than you think.  This offensive line is young, so they will get better with each game, and Ryan Clady and Ryan Harris will return to 100% by Week 3 or 4.  As our good friend Ted Bartlett recently pointed out, Harris is one of the best tackles in the game.  Do not underestimate his impact.

Why do I care so much about the offensive line?  Outside of Peyton Manning, that is where the game is really won.  If you doubt this, go have a chat with Emmitt Smith and Troy Aikman.  Without the greatest offensive line in the history of the NFL, Troy Aikman would have been David Carr and Emmitt Smith would have been Ki-Jana Carter. 


TJ, I saw where former Bronco Clinton Portis had to apologize for making inappropriate comments about a female reporter.  What is your take on this whole issue? 
—Brenda, Burbank, California

Brenda:  Are you a Raiders fan trying to get me into trouble?  For the record, this is what Portis said orginally:

“And I mean, you put a woman and you give her a choice of 53 athletes, somebody got to be appealing to her. You know, somebody got to spark her interest, or she’s gonna want somebody. I don’t know what kind of woman won’t, if you get to go and look at 53 men’s packages.”

He quickly issued an apology after a very gentle push by Roger Goodell.  I’m just glad Clinton used such a sophisticated word like “package.”  I can never hear that word enough.

What’s my take on the issue?  Well, over the past few days, it’s become pretty common to throw Portis under the bus (or freight train), so let me come to Clinton’s defense.  I’m sure there is nothing sexier than walking into a men’s locker room right after a game.  The smell of sweat mixed with blood.  Dirty jockstraps, trite answers, and angry athletes are just the gravy on top.  Imagine the joy of interviewing Hal McRae after this game.  Sadly, there probably wasn’t time to check out Hal’s package while trying to duck from hurling objects.  Or how about the pleasure that would come from interviewing Steve Francis here.  Hot!  Kellen Winslow has his shirt off in this clip.  Smoking!  What, you didn’t notice with all of the screaming? 

Looks like too much work to me, honestly.  I’m sticking with the Lingerie Football League on Friday nights.  At least there, being hot is part of the idea.  Context, my friends.  Context.


Unrelated Glam-Rock Bit

This Week’s Glam-Rock 80’s Song/Video:Looks That Kill

Artist: Motley Crue

Why It’s So Bad It’s Good: 1) Nuclear Holocaust; 2) Headbands;  3) Fire 4) Hot Girls Who Have Survived Said Nuclear Holocaust

Best Existential Lyric: “If she don’t get her way, she’ll slice you apart.”

I’m glad we had this talk.  Now, vaya con Dios, Brah.

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