Fat Man blogger TJ “The Dude” Johnson posts The Dude’s Mail Revue on Thursdays, in which he takes your questions and gets your opinion about the state of the Denver Broncos.
You wanna roll your way into the semis?
Drop TJ a question: firstname.lastname@example.org.
(NOTE: No marmots were harmed in the writing of this revue)
TJ, I'm glad the Broncos rid themselves of McDaniels. Guy had a huge Napoleon complex, and further, his hair cut was atrocious. He deserved to get canned for the hair alone. Dude could have used a short spiked look with the ends razor cut to add some texture. He could have combined this with just a little facial hair as well. I had been thinking of a slight pencil mustache. But what do I know? Let me ask you the right question. It's obvious we need a new GM before we get a coach, so who should the GM be?
--Johnny Antin, Los Angeles, California
Johnny: I'm down with cool hair as well. When I dream of walking through the streets of London with John Elway and fans coming up to us, the first thing I always think they are thinking is "Wow, that guy has cool hair." But anyway, here's my short list of GM candidates:
Tony Soprano: I think the guy brings a lot of experience to the table. Has effectively juggled several businesses (waste management, strip clubs, movie production, horse racing) while at the same time maintaining multiple mistresses and a wife. Has recently gotten control over his panic attacks and depression issues.
Strengths: Not afraid to make the tough decisions. Will crack skulls if needed. Demands respect from everyone involved--or else.
Weaknesses: Prone to anger. Rumored to have killed his cousin with a shotgun. Could change coaches every three
Al Swearengen: Former orphan has made a name for himself in business as a saloon owner. Not as multifaceted as Soprano, but make no mistake, this guy can run an organization with ruthless efficiency. Can work with people from a wide variety of socioeconomic backgrounds (prostitutes, henchmen, politicians, immigrants, and other "businessmen").
Strengths: Cunning, clever, creative, and quick to the point. Good with a knife in case Joe Ellis tries to stab him in the back. Has a cool mustache.
Weaknesses: May curse too much for some Broncos fans' tastes and could offend Tim Tebow. Once suffocated a preacher.
Gordon Gekko: The Broncos would be hard pressed to find better. Gekko made his name as an investor in the 1980s. Has a flair for the dramatic, but knows how to use "information." Probably the best guy on this list for spotting an undervalued asset on draft day. Would be an ideal GM for unloading overpaid veterans on other teams as well.
Strengths: Doesn't even take time to eat lunch. Not afraid to cut his losses. Would bring style to Dove Valley.
Weaknesses: May overuse the catch phrase: "Greed is good." Has done time.
James T. Kirk: A big name that would restore "the integrity of the organization" as Joe Ellis says. Kirk brings a ton of experience to the job. Has been to other galaxies, so the Black Hole is nothing to him. Has made out with multiple life forms, but always puts the team ahead of romance. Not afraid to ignore regulations for the greater good, but in the end, always seems to do what is right. Can work the team out of a jam.
Strengths: Wouldn't be afraid of taking the Broncos in directions they haven't gone before. Works well with a team. Only fights when he has to, so he wouldn't run off star players. Because of his work with alien beings, Tim Tebow wouldn't scare him off.
Weaknesses: Has a penchant for the dramatic monologue. Might try and change team colors to puke yellow.
Tony Montana: He would be the aggressive choice for the Broncos. A self-made Cuban immigrant, Montana personifies toughness. Al Davis and AJ Smith would cry at night if we got this guy. He also knows how to clean up an organization and was able to effectively vertically integrate his lucrative cocaine smuggling business. He is bilingual as well, which would appeal to Denver's growing Hispanic population. He's not bad with the ladies, either.
Strengths: Great communicator, and gets right to the point. Not afraid to say hello to his little friends in the organization. So the players would always know his door is always open. Wouldn't take any crap from Woody Paige during press conferences. Could give interviews in Spanish to NFL Latino.
Weaknesses: Arrested for tax evasion. Lavish tastes. Brings assault rifles and grenade launchers to the office.
Duuuude, what is up, brother? Hey, I know we need a GM, but everyone is talking about the coach. I really think we ought to roll with someone with some experience running a defense and with the Broncos organization, don't you agree? So who are we gonna hire?
--W. Allen Phillips, Dallas, Texas
W. Allen: Well, what good am I if I don't also give folks my short list of head-coaching candidates?
Patches O'Houlihan: Guy can motivate players like nobody else. Doesn't mind using unconventional methods. Knows how to get into the heads of his players.
Strengths: Makes his players work during practice. Would hold one hell of a presser on Monday morning.
Weaknesses: Isn't big on game planning. Drinks too much. Drinks own urine.
Norman Dale: Dale's biggest strength is motivating overachieving and untalented white kids from Indiana, so it's possible he's best for the Colts. But if the Broncos landed him, it would be a solid hire. He could coach the Broncos up until they get some faster and more talented black guys through the draft.
Strengths: A defensive coach. Doesn't always follow the crowd. Gives inspiring motivational speeches that would never work on today's players, but could work on Dave Krieger and Mark Kiszla.
Weaknesses: Has gone Bobby Knight on a player before. Lack of experience past high school basketball could hurt him.
Vince Neil: A dark-horse candidate, but not to be underestimated. Led one of the greatest rock bands through a decade of spandex and drugs; lived to tell the tale. A battle-tested road veteran who could actually stay out later than the players to keep an eye on them--after drinking them under the table.
Strengths: Would give Todd Haley a beatdown. Would sucker punch Tom Cable at midfield. Norv Turner would soil himself upon seeing Neil. Neil could also relate to the players with all of his tattoos.
Weaknesses: Might punch Joe Ellis. Might trash his office to remind him of the old days.
Tim Tebow: In order to restore "the integrity of the organization" the Broncos might just want to get right to making Tebow a player/coach. Tebow would fill the seats. And without McDaniels to call the plays, he could run the Tebow Package all game. Jesus wants this, so I'm putting Tebow as my odds-on favorite.
Strengths: Jersey sales. Did I mention jersey sales?
Weaknesses: None. He's Tim Freakin' Tebow, after all.
Chuck Norris: He's another favorite for the job. Talk about restoring integrity! This guy would not only do that, he'd scare integrity out of the building in favor of ass-kickin' oneness with the universe. A martial arts expert, award-winning actor (I can't find the citation, but trust me, I feel it), and the only guy who could beat God in an armwrestling match, Norris would make orange the new black.
Strengths: Roundhouse kicks. Will make Broncos fans finally shut up about Peyton Hillis.
Weaknesses: Probably hits the Total Gym too much.
C_style (if I may be so bold): Great observation. That's why you're no Denver Post reader. You get it, man. Yes, the curse is over, but no thanks to Brett Kern! The guy read all of our tweets (I was told) asking him to release the Broncos from the curse, but he never responded directly. He didn't even tweet anything about McDaniels being fired, although he did tweet this monster yesterday:
"Wish I had a shot gun this morn to shoot whatever animal that was on our roof this morning at 5 am waking me up.."
I'm just impressed Kern was able to describe this scene in only 140 characters. It would have taken Woody Paige about five tweets.
In all seriousness, we wish Kern the very best. And now that the Curse has been lifted, the Broncos can finally go back to their proper place--beating the hell out of the Raiders twice a year.
Since the Broncos have hit rock bottom, I think it's safe to say that all of the other curses have been lifted too. You know the ones I'm talking about: The Curse of Jake Plummer; The Curse of King Tut, and the current Curse of Joe Ellis. Oh, you haven't heard about The Curse of Joe Ellis? That's the curse that happens to your organization when a marketing guy carves his way up the management chain until he's running a real team. You know, like when you play Madden NFL 11, except with hundreds of millions of dollars. But even this curse is lifted, because we're going to assume that Ellis chooses wisely this time. He will, won't he?
Lebowksi, when people talk about the greatest Broncos receivers of all time, they always leave Steve Watson off the list. I'm not sure why? Got any ideas?
--Steven Largent, Tulsa, Oklahoma
Steve: Since I'm feeling, you know, racially, pretty cool today, I'll tell you, it's because he was a slow white dude. He didn't look exciting, he didn't run exciting, and he didn't celebrate exciting. But the guy made play after play after play. And he gave hope to little white kids all over America that they too could one day run as slow as Steve Watson. He also set the stage for later (and faster) Broncos white wide receivers like Eddie McCaffrey, Brandon Stokley and now Eric Dekcer.
All kidding aside, the guy was solid. The first jersey I ever had when I was a child was an orange Watson jersey my mother had sewn by hand (awwwww). Watson was at the end of his career, but I loved watching him play. And now, you can too. Notice in this video that the #7 throwing the ball isn't the #7 that you're used to seeing. It was some guy named Morton.
Dude, who you waterboarding this week?
--Waylon Jones, Long Island, New York
Waylon: I'd say Joe Ellis, but after he waterboarded Josh McDaniels this week, he scares me.
Now, in honor of Joe Ellis "relieving" Josh McDaniels of his coaching duties this week, I present...
Unrelated Glam-Rock Bit
This Week’s Glam-Rock 80s Song/Video: You Give Love A Bad Name (1986)
Artist: Bon Jovi
Why It’s So Bad It’s Good: 1)
Real Fake Fire; 2) Red Zipper Boots; 3) Spinning for No Reason!; 4) Creeping into the camera (tricky, JBJ); 5) Frayed denim (always cool).
Best Existential Lyric: “I play my part and you play your game (Joe Ellis)..."