Whoa, Tom Nalen is skinny! Lard 5-9-12

Good Morning, Broncos fans! In a surprising development, the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (Niosh) has found that ex-NFL players actually live longer than the normal US male population, with fewer deaths caused by cancer and heart disease.

However, the Niosh study of 3,439 former players oddly found that defensive linemen were felled by heart disease at a much higher rate than players at other positions. The research did not account for cognitive and mental health issues, but Niosh says it is now studying those causes of death as well.

Meanwhile, the war of words between ex-players over whether they'd allow their sons to play football continues on many fronts. Kurt Warner responded to the vitriolic comments from dimwits Merril Hoge and Amani Toomer by pwning them, and old friend Trevor Pryce, who played at Michigan with Toomer, called Amani's words "probably the most idiotic thing I've ever heard."

Current Giants DE Osi Umenyiora, another ex-teammate of Toomer's, says the retired WR was wrong for criticizing Warner, and he even says that he could see himself "in a wheelchair" by the age of 45. Umenyiora says he'd prefer his son not play football, but that he'd leave the decision up to his child, echoing what Warner had said originally.

Still another ex-Giants teammate of Toomer and Umenyiora's, LaVar Arrington, added fuel to the flames of idiocy by calling such discussion "the sissification" of football and equated it with living life in a state of fear.

Not-yet-HOFer Cris Carter chimed in by admitting he placed bounties on opposing players like old friend Bill Romanowski, for having threatened to injure him during games. He claims the intent of his bounties was never to injure others, but rather to protect himself and help his team win.

To settle it all, God issued his word, reminding us he's created much more sinister causes of death than head injuries, admitting he'd let his kid play football, and eschewing any blame for Tebowmania.

Broncos

Robert Ayers says that aside from trips to Jamaica and New York, he's spent most of his offseason working out in Denver.

David Ramsey slobbers over new Broncos RB Ronnie Hillman, calling him worthy of a first-round pick and overdoing it with comparisons to Clinton Portis and Barry Sanders. Air Force coach and former Denver assistant Troy Calhoun, whose team was twice mauled by Hillman, says the rookie could not have found a more ideal NFL offense to suit his skills.

Holy $@#%, Tom Nalen looks like a completely different person after having dropped 65 pounds - so much so that there is no chance that any Broncos fan would ever recognize him. Incredible, and he says he's feeling healthier at a more normal human weight, so good for him. Meanwhile, he didn't quite get why Brian Xanders was fired now instead of a few months ago, so obviously Nails doesn't read IAOFM. Nalen foresees a massive learning curve for J.D. Walton with Peyton Manning aboard, and he sounds like he wants to eventually coach at the NFL level. Sadly, Nails says that only now as a high school coach does he possess much knowledge of concussions, and he is concerned about his own mental health; he says NFL helmets may prevent players from cracking their skulls, but they hardly help prevent concussions.

Naturally, Daniel Fells is excited to be a Patriot; he says that although last year in Denver was a circus, Tebow is a genuine guy who can eventually be a successful QB.

Matt Bowen analyzes the Joker personnel New England used against Denver in the playoffs last season.

Trimmings

The Minnesota Senate approved legislation to partially subsidize a new stadium for the Vikings, making a final deal highly likely.

Oakland continues to overhaul its scouting department by dumping four scouts and hiring college evaluator Joey Clinkscales away from the Jets, as expected.

Ravens LB Terrell Suggs underwent surgery to repair his torn Achilles; Baltimore signed ex-Texans WR Jacoby Jones to a two-year deal and extended professional Patriots injurer S Bernard Pollard for three years.

Charles Woodson says he'd willingly shift to safety if the Packers need him to; Carolina signed former Denver draftee P Nick Harris; Atlanta released FB Ovie Mughelli; Jets DE Mike DeVIto accepted a pay cut; Bengals G Jacob Bell retired; LB Rocky McIntosh worked out for the Vikings; S Chris Crocker will visit the Lions and Cardinals.

Mike Holmgren admitted the Browns' first choice at #22 had been Kendall Wright, not Brandon Weeden, but he denies that the comments of Colt McCoy's dad had anything to do with drafting a QB.

Ryan Leaf took a plea deal in Montana on his drug/burglary charges.

Former Giants WR Stacy Robinson died of cancer at 50.

Scrapple

Peter King details the unique relationship between Bucs coach Greg Schiano and the paralyzed Eric LeGrand.

Greg Gabriel evaluates the drafts of the NFCW teams; Bucky Brooks thinks Andrew Luck and the Colts will be an instant success.

Don Banks examines some potential notable position battles; Clark Judge lists five .500-or-worse teams from 2011 he thinks will contend for the playoffs in 2012.

Matt Waldman sees sincerity and honesty in Brandon Marshall's Sun-Times op-ed. We can only hope he's right...

Warren Sapp, Ndamukong Suh, and Rob Gronkowski will appear on a new TV dating show.

Tom Brady showed up at the Met Gala with quite the faux-hawk; Tim Tebow was also there.

Khaled Elsayed lists the best single-game performances by wide receivers from last season, including Brandon Lloyd against the Packers; Ben Muth examines the offensive line play of the Chicago Bears from 2011.

KSK captionizes some epic old draft day photos; a giraffe fight calls long-necked dudes Merton Hanks and Peyton Manning to mind.

Mike Leach hiliariously signed a copy of his book with an allusion to the Craig James Killed Five Hookers meme.

RIP Maurice Sendak, best known for having written "Where the Wild Things Are" and "Chicken Soup With Rice", a favorite of this writer.

Doug is IAOFM’s resident newsman and spelling czar. Follow him on Twitter @IAOFM

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