I’m not sure about you, but I don’t believe in curses.
Which is exactly why we need to remove the current curse that has afflicted our Denver Broncos.
Perhaps you’ve hear the folklore by now, but if not, let me bring you up to speed on the legend. Last season, the Broncos started the season 6-0. But they probably didn’t deserve this record. In the opener, they needed a miraculous last-minute tipped touchdown pass from Kyle Orton to Brandon Stokley to pull out the win. In week five against Dallas, Champ Bailey made two miracle plays in the last minute of the game to preserve the victory. But there they were—a glorious 6-0 start. All the little Broncomaniacs were taking their vitamins and falling asleep at night with visions of the playoffs dancing through their heads.
It appeared as if rookie head coach Josh McDaniels had been blessed with some outstanding karma. You’d think that he would have taken that karma and retired for a few days to spend time with his family.
Instead, he cut the punter.
And that punter’s name was Brett Kern. Kern had been with the team since 2008, and by most accounts, had punted well. But during that six-week stretch, Kern, it can be argued, was struggling with his directional kicks and wasn’t creating enough hang time for McDaniels’ liking. So he waived Kern and replaced him with Mitch Berger (and fries).
I repeat. He cut the punter from a 6-0 team during the bye week. Perhaps he was thinking he should have been 7-0 during those six games. I’m not sure.
Since then, I don’t have to tell you the gruesome numbers—the Broncos are 4-14. Berger completely tanked, despite my tenuous abilities to defend the move. Today, Berger is out of football. Brett Kern, for his part, signed with Tennessee. His record during this same stretch? 13-5. If not for a pass interference call late in the game against the Broncos this year, that record would have been 14-4, and the Broncos would be 3-15 post-Kern. Creepy, I know.
So you see, the current struggles the Broncos are facing has nothing to do with their weak-sister running game. It has nothing to do with a matador-like defense. And it sure as heck doesn’t have anything to do with penalties, turnovers, or injuries.
It has everything to do with the way we did Kern.
It’s the Curse of Kern.
Until we do something about it, Broncos fans, the losses are going to continue to pile up.
I had to bring it to your attention because the season is on the line. The very existence of Josh McDaniels as the Broncos’ head coach is in jeopardy.
Sure, the Broncos now have Britton Colquitt, but you know how curses work. Kern has better numbers already this year. Colquitt’s gross punt average is 44.4 yards. Kern’s is 44.5 yards—without altitude. Colquitt’s net average is 37.5 yards. Kern’s is 39.9 yards. Colquitt bench presses 294. I’m pretty sure Kern benches 295. Colquitt probably listens to old Stryper albums. I’m guessing Kern is into P.O.D. Well, you get the drift.
I could go on and on, but the real question for Broncos fans is how in the hell do we remove this curse?
We could ask Pat Bowlen to fire Josh McDaniels. But that’s not happening. We could sacrifice a Titan during a full moon. But I can’t find a Titan anywhere.
There’s only one thing left to do.
Tweet for Kern’s forgiveness. That’s right. Brett Kern has a Twitter account. And he’s not afraid to use it.
Just the other day, I saw him rip off this awesome tweet:
“Regretting the 6 pieces of French toast with extra powdered sugar..
Thu Oct 28 2010 07:50:32 (Mountain Daylight Time) via Twitter for iPad”
Clearly, Kern has a decent sense of humor. So I think we have a good shot at removing this curse. I recommend all Fat Man readers send Kern a tweet during this bye week to seek his forgiveness. It could go something like this:
“bro,den 4-14 since u left. We r cursed. Toledo in my prayers if u 4give den 4 letting u go. UR r only hope. I agree. 2 much sugar not good.”
Just follow the link to Kern’s Twitter account here.
And after the bye week, the Broncos will crush the Chiefs. The Curse of Kern will have been lifted.
If you like to see The Dude slack off 24/7, you can always find him on Facebook and Twitter. Or you can email him at: firstname.lastname@example.org. He assumes you are following It’s All Over, Fat Man! on Facebook and Twitter, but if you are not, that’s nihilistic.