If you're not with Studesville, the terrorists win.
If you're not with Ellis, you don't bleed orange and blue (gross).
If you're not down with waiting for
Godot Tebow, then, well, you're a Raiders fan.
Broncos fans, stop your incessant jabbering. You've no right to demand the Broncos play Tim Tebow. Haven't you heard? Phil Rivers and Aaron Rodgers rode the pine for centuries before they hit the field.
So shut your pie holes. Got it? No? Well let me give you some reasons why the Broncos shouldn't start Tebow before Joe Ellis takes off his tie, rolls up his sleeves, and bitch slaps you.
1) Tim Tebow Is Too Fragile
It's clear that Tebow isn't perfectly ready to hit the field: playing him too early could damage his fragile psyche. He's played in front of crowds of hundreds of thousands and millions on television; he's played for national titles; he's signed a contract to model underwear for Jockey; he's even been thrust into a national debate about abortion. Still, Studesville knows the Silver and Black drag queens in The Black Hole are too scary for him. He might throw an interception. He might bloody his nose (already did that, but still). He might pull a groin muscle.
Until Tebow is a perfect practice replica of Drew Brees, you are just going to have to wait. Let's face it, John Elway once tried to take a snap under guard in his rookie season; Peyton Manning threw 28 interceptions and lost 13 games. Where did it get them? It got them...wait, I take that back. Just trust me on this, giving Tebow leadership experience in the huddle at the end of the year will only damage him.
2) Guys Are Playing For Their Very Jobs
Playing Tebow now disrespects guys like Steven Hauschka, who are playing for their very existence on the team. You gonna deprive Hauschka of trying to feed his family? 13 games on tape are not enough for the next coach and GM to evaluate the current crop of Broncos. We need at least 14 games in which the Broncos play all of their starters. Why? Because 14 is more than 13, so there!
3) It Ruins Kyle Orton's Chance At a Pro Bowl
Show some respect to Kyle Orton. Orton makes more money if he gets to the Pro Bowl. By calling for Tebow, you're probably hurting his chances of feeding his family--really well. Frankly, Broncos fans, it disgusts me.
4) It Might Lead to Failure
If the Broncos play Tebow, and he doesn't do well, the Broncos may have to rethink Tebow as a quarterback. And that would be criminal. I believe it was written in the Book of Job, "Thou shalt always playest the same position that thou didst play in college."
Better to not fail and keep the fan base guessing than to fail and have to convert Tebow to an H-Back. Nobody needs a good H-Back in this league. Dallas Clark and Chris Cooley, get out of here.
5) It Could Ruin Studesville's Shot At Being the Broncos' Next Coach
I hate to say it, but by wanting to see Tebow on the field before next year, Broncos fans, you're hurting Eric Studesville's ability to feed his family. He has to play Orton to win games and receive consideration for next year's job. I mean, look, if Joe Ellis says he's got a four-game audition, it's got to be true, right?
6) What If It Validates Josh McDaniels As a Talent Evaluator?
This is quite possibly the most compelling reason to leave Tebow on the bench--forever. Let's say Tebow comes into the game, scrambles around a bit, and makes some plays out of surefire sacks. Let's say he demonstrates a strong arm, good decision making, and mature pre-snap reads. It could validate Josh McDaniels as a talent evaluator. Joe Ellis was clear: the Broncos are now about "restoring the integrity of the organization." What they're not about is giving you reason to believe--even in the slightest--that Josh McDaniels knew what he was doing. The dude ran off high-school teammate Kenny Peterson. He can't be a good man.
7) It Could Decrease Jersey Sales
This is similar to reason # 4, but far more insidious. If they play Tebow, and he does poorly, it could decrease jersey sales. Joe Ellis didn't come from the marketing side of the organization for nothing. And you can't tell me you're prepared to hinder Joe Ellis' ability to feed his family, are you? Wait, you think you could do better than Joe Ellis? Hey, you try saying "passionate fans" a dozen times in a press conference while sounding enthusiastic.
8) It Might Play Into Champ Bailey's Clever (yet devious) Hands
Champ Bailey recently said he liked the idea of playing with Tim Tebow. Since the Broncos pulled out of contract talks with Champ, why start giving him what he wants now? It will only encourage him. You never want to encourage a guy like Champ Bailey.
9) It Could Further Damage "Pride"
This is again similar to reason #4. If Tebow fails on the field, the Broncos' pride could take another shot. As we all know, pride goeth before the fall; we can't have the Broncos trip over that last stair on the way to the basement of the AFC. It would simply hurt too much. And in a bar fight with Matt Millen (which I look for on Friday nights), "4-12" just has a better ring to it than "3-13," doesn't it?
10) It Wouldn't Keep The Next GM and Head Coach Guessing
The preseason speaks for itself. There's just no good reason for the next GM and head coach to have film on Tebow under live fire. What possible good could come from it? It's probably better that the Broncos go into the 2011 Draft not knowing what they have. Orton is good enough (and don't you want him to feed his family?) to transition the Broncos through 2011. And, well, that's another year of selling Tebow jerseys under a shroud of mystery.
You might be tempted to point out that several of these reasons for keeping Tebow on the bench contradict one another. So be it. I, like Walt Whitman and Joe Ellis, am metaphorically large. I contain multitudes. I contradict myself.
So don't play Tebow. We need that extra time to talk about his religion and his throwing mechanics.