Good morning, Broncos fans! Doug has the day off today so he could pursue one of his other passions in life: mountain unicycling.
That means two things—less volume and more snark. How else am I going to over-compensate for my lack or meaningful analysis?
Let’s begin this morning with something you probably already assumed. Peyton Manning wants to destroy the Colts this weekend. He may not be saying it in public, but it’s true. Read this piece from Bob Kravitz and you’ll come away with the same feeling.
Kravitz, who knows Manning better than any writer in football, managed to get some private one-on-one time with Manning on Wednesday. When asked point blank about Jim Irsay’s relatively recent comments, here’s what Manning had to say:
To answer a question like that doesn’t serve me well. I feel like the question is based on the (Irsay) comments, so it’s just easier not to answer anything along those lines.
It’s an interesting answer, to say the least. Manning didn’t take the high road. He chose not to take any road and did not answer. Kravitz interprets this, along with Manning’s body language, as a sure sign of ill will; further, he thinks Manning would love to put up 60 points on the Colts.
How about 70?
Horses With Huge Testicles
Mark Kizsla rightly blasts Irsay for having little class and points out that Irsay is a member of the lucky sperm donor’s club (membership has its benefits). Kizla also spoke to John Fox, who said defending Manning was the right thing to do.
Players always talk about how coaches made them better, but when was the last time you heard a coach say a player made him a better coach? That’s Peyton Manning for you.
Robert Ayers and Wesley Woodyard practiced Wednesday, which is better than a boot in the ass.
How does Von Miller stay so chill in the locker room? If you guessed chicken wings and playing cards, you deserve some—well, chicken wings and playing cards, I suppose.
Peyton Manning isn’t ready to discuss what his legacy is as an NFL players, since, as he correctly points out, he’s still playing.
The Denver Post beat writers believe the New England Patriots are the Broncos’ biggest rival. They're wrong. The only rival the Broncos have on any given Sunday is themselves.
Oliver Luck (Andrew Luck’s father) used to take Peyton Manning to McDonald’s when Manning was a kid. I always knew Archie Manning unloaded his kids on America, but I wasn't aware he unloaded them on back-up quarterbacks.
Horses With Itty Bitty Balls
Hilariously, Jim Irsay is now backtracking on his comments about Peyton Manning. He even tried to call Manning on Wednesday to kiss Manning’s ass (officially called “clarifying” his statements), but as of this morning, Manning hasn’t called him back. In cases like these I always prefer the clarity of a text message—something like “Jim, GFY, LOLZ, MF. Peyton.”
Something’s got to give on Sunday night. Either the Broncos stretch their consecutive regular-season winning streak at 18 games or Andrew Luck continues his career without ever having lost back-to-back games. All of this pales in comparison to one streak I’ve had going since the age of 12: consecutive days of masturbation. Never mind that I’m blind, have hairy palms, and I pound Cornflakes like Brian Cushing pounds creatine. Just take your vitamins, kids, and tell yourself that urge you have to touch yourself is just God testing how committed you are to clean livin'.
Andrew Luck just wanted to play QB in the NFL, not replace a legend like Peyton Manning. Get in line, Andrew. I never wanted to replace John Elway, either. Damn you, Brian Griese!
Other Stuff That Has Nothing To Do With Large Testicles
Andy Reid thinks Alex Smith is a stud. Get a #$cking room, already, Andy.
A bunch of Raiders fans rallied at City Council to support redevelopment that might include a new stadium. Some even wore pink, which gave me a shred of respect for them.
Uh-oh—the league’s dirtiest Ndamukong Suh was fined yet again, this time for his hit on Brandon Weeden. Suh said he’s just going to roll with the punches. That’s fine, but who’s going to be the next guy punched by Suh? I have to think this Suh becomes a Raider before his career is over.
As you might imagine, Josh Freeman thinks the Minnesota Vikings have better human beings running things than the Bucs. He’s probably right. When I looked up the word “Schiano” in the dictionary this morning, it read, “sticky, human-like substance.”
J.J. Watt says words don’t win games, work does. Of course, I immediately thought of an auctioneer because I'm a smart ass.
The Jet play the Patriots this weekend, so Rex Ryan told his players to ease up on their household chores this week and rest. This led to speculation Ryan was encouraging players to ease up on their sexual activity as well. We can only speculate Ryan meant foot massages, which brings me to this classic from Wes Welker.
The Dallas Cowboys released longtime tackle Jay Ratliff. Apparently, there’s been a lot of conflict between Ratliff and team doctors as to how long his hamstring should have kept him out of action.
Matt Schaub was held out of practice on Wednesday.
Brandon Marshall was fined $10,500 for wearing green shoes last week. Marshall says he simply wanted to raise awareness of mental illness.
Pats linebacker Jared Mayo is done for the year, which sucks for the Pats. Jets fans everywhere are cheering in anticipation of getting beat by a few points less.
There’s no truth to the rumor the Cleveland Browns were on the cusp of signing Tim Tebow, who has been hanging out in Hawaii. Our own Ted Bartlett tells me constantly how Cleveland and Hawaii are pretty much the same place, though.