Should you root for the Broncos to lose? The Art of (Draft) Whore

When the Broncos play the Cardinals tomorrow, there's more than just the Broncos' integrity on the line.

There's the #5 draft pick.  

As it stands today, the Broncos and Cardinals are tied for the 5th-worst record in all Goodell's World.  The team that loses tomorrow has a leg up in the draft standings.  In front of them are the storied franchises of Carolina, Cincinnatti, Buffalo, and Detroit--teams that share between them seven Super Bowl appearances.  

The Broncos themselves have six.  My oh my have the Broncos have stumbled since the days of saluting the Mile High air.

In order to put this ghost ship on the right path, the Broncos are going to need all the ammunition they can get.  Which is why I'm actively hoping for a Helter Skelton this weekend in Arizona--namely, I'm going to root against the only team I've ever truly loved like a woman (or a stripper, for that matter).

I can already hear the groans from the Broncos' purists.   How can I actively root for my team to lose?

It's elementary, my dear shogun.  I've read the Art of War more times than you.  While you're getting hammered and shoving brats into your piehole, I--as a pompous and highbrow elitist--am on to my second pedicure of the week.  I pay extra just to have one of the pedicurists read the 6th-century classic to me.  

But don't fear. I can summarize the entire book for you from my favorite quote.  I think this comes from page one:

"Never will those who wage war tire of deception when cast out of the playoffs; crush your enemy by getting the highest damn draft pick you can."

If it's good enough for Sun Tzu, it's good enough for the Broncos.

I might not have gotten all the words exactly, but you get my drift: if you want the Broncos to win, you've got to start by hoping they lose this weekend.  In fact, if they can manage to go 0-4 down the stretch, 3-13 might even put them in the running for first- or second-worst record in the league.

Then things get really exciting.  Why?  

Because I know what John Elway really told Pat Bowlen when they dined earlier in the week.  

Getting a quarterback from Stanford (that doesn't stutter) in the 1st round works out pretty well--if you decide in the next four weeks to turn Tim Tebow into an H-back like Chris Cooley.

So should you actively root against your team?  Weigh in with your comments below.

I’m glad we had this talk.  Now, vaya con Dios, Brah.

Agree, disagree, just like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter so I can quit my day job.

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