I can’t believe these greedy, ungrateful players! They’re just willfully holding this thing up. The owners have given them a great proposal, and these guys say they need more time. Why can’t they read 500 pages in an hour? Is it because most of them can’t read? I’m not saying, I’m just saying… Have you ever read their twits on that Twitter thing? Umm… hello? English class… you should try it sometime. And some of them even use profanity. Don’t they know that their most important purpose in life is being role models to children? They should be talking about Jesus and tax breaks and preventing Muslims from opening mosques or gays from getting married. You know, positive stuff that promotes a stronger America, where everybody who deserves it can enjoy apple pie, and watch football, and those who don’t should just work harder, and maybe it happens for them next year.
Look, the owners have worked hard to create a product that people want to see, and these players should be happy just to get to attach themselves to the genius of these 32 American heroes and benefit from it. I don’t have a pension, and neither does anybody I know. Why should these guys get one? This is America, and we’ve all unanimously decided to accept a lower quality of life than our parents had. That’s democracy, and the majority rules. It’s the greatest country in the world, and these players don’t understand that. They should call me when they get serious about capitalism, democracy, and the Constitution. Let’s practice – We hold these truths to be self-evident, that employees should be happy to have jobs, and should thank the benevolent job creators for their generosity. Four score and seven years ago, the young NFL almost folded, but thanks to the white protestant tenacity of men like George Halas, Curly Lambeau, and Ronald Reagan, it grew and thrived, and now these guys that couldn’t get a job in my family’s snack bar want to make millions of dollars off of the sweat of those visionary entrepreneurs and their heirs. John Quincy Adams and our other Founding Fathers would roll over in their graves, because those people clearly don't know the Constitution.
I may not go to any games, or buy any apparel, or pay for DirecTV, but I still feel like I represent the voice of the average fan. I play free fantasy football on NFL.com, after all, so they occasionally advertise to me. I pay my dues by looking at those emails! I might call Roger Goodell next week and tell him what I think. Stay strong, Roger! Beat those players into submission.
Let me tell you this: the owners are just trying to get back to playing football, and the players want to prevent games from being played. It’s been like that ever since the players went on strike, and got the damn lawyers involved. All this time, they could have been negotiating, but instead they were litigating. Tell me, how did filing these lawsuits help anything? All they did was delay the whole process. The owners made a good offer in March, and they’re making a good offer now. Did you follow that, players? You had a good deal then, and you refused it and went on strike. You have a good deal now, and you won’t vote to ratify it. Hello? Good then equals good now. What do you think the deal will be like next month? Probably equivalent in its goodness. Do you like being on strike or something? You people crave attention like a three-year-old girl.
Anyway, I started writing this to give you a Top 10 list of people who could get in that negotiating room and end this nonsense once and for all. I’m thinking that maybe Roger Goodell hasn’t been swinging a big enough stick, and that he may need some help:
10. George W. Bush – The Decider would get in there, and decide. Sometimes, you need a guy who doesn’t care what anybody else thinks, or what their facts are.
9. John Madden – Nobody is better at explaining the obvious, and it’s obvious that the players are greedy and ungrateful. As a bonus, he could get his makeup on, and go on TV, and explain the whole process to his adoring fans, like me. Don’t forget who nominated you, Big John. BOOM!
8. Chuck Norris – Not only is he good at Karate, that most American of sports, Chuck Norris is a god-fearing, tax-hating, Total Gym-hawking American icon. We could have a new one for the Chuck Norris Facts book. NFL players went on strike, and Chuck Norris stared them down until they struck themselves! Where’s Madden when you need another BOOM?
7. Marcus Bachmann – Because I think some of these guys are gay, or at least they’re acting like it. Dr. Bachmann can give them some ex-gay therapy, and they can stop being in unions and going on strike, like all the other gays out there. Plus, his wife might be the next President, and it would help her campaign to be related to the guy who solved the strike.
6. Papa Packer – Everybody knows Papa Packer from Sirius XM NFL Radio, right? He has had three jobs in his life, and got screwed out of his pension at all three when the companies went out of business. Players should be grateful for what they have, and they need to realize that nobody gets pensions in America, anymore.
5. Adam Schein – He could just holler about how it’s the fans who are losing out. Schein may act neutral, but when he talks about fans losing out, we all know he means that the players are at fault, and they know it too.
4. Glenn Beck – Beck could outline the reasons why unions are evil on his blackboard. He’ll convince at least half of them that they’re wrong, and they’ll capitulate. He’d be number one if not for the whole crying thing, which is admittedly a little creepy.
3. Jesus H Christ – So many of these guys thank their lord and savior when they score a touchdown or win a game. I’d like to see them put their money where their mouth is, because we know that Jesus loves the prosperous, and that he’d have the owners’ back. Your Jesus-praising backfired on you, didn’t it, players?
2. Ronald Reagan – The Great Communicator may be dead, but if he could come back to life, he could step in and just fire all the players, like he did the air traffic controllers. Then, the NFL could just find new ones, and pay them a lot less, ushering in a new era of lower-cost, lower-quality air travel, err American quality of life, err professional football.
1. Me. That’s right, me. I’m educated, reasonable, and I’m a straight-shooter. I know the Bible, the Constitution, capitalism, and I’m a real American, unlike a lot of these players. Put me in that room, and the union will tremble. I used to be in a union, and it sucked! I might be unemployed right now, but it’s given me a lot of opportunity to attend rallies, read, and take in a lot of talk radio and TV. A lot of lazy people who lose their jobs wouldn’t do anything to benefit themselves, but I’m the kind of guy who turns setbacks into opportunities. In America, we pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, we love our Jesus, and we hate unions. I’m the man to bring this message to these players, and get them to see the light. Give me a call, Roger. I can find the time to help.