The 4th of July is only a few days away. I am feeling patriotic. Rather than give you a lecture on the Boston Tea Party, however, I'm just going to make the following assumptions:
- You'll be too drunk to walk
- One of your kids will have blown his hand clean off with an M-80
- You'll forget sunscreen and your skin will bubble like bacon in hot grease
If you give a
mouseyour fat uncle a cookiesome BBQ, he's going to ask forsteal a glass of milkcheap plastic cup of beer
What's more American than getting drunk, blowing stuff up, baking in the ozone, and having your relatives steal your alcohol?
Nothing, my man, there ain't nothing.
In your drunken stupor, you're going to want to mix football and patriotism. You should probably resist that urge. Leave that to the professionals like Roger Goodell.
Instead, impress your father-in-law with some of these little known facts about the Founding Fathers...if they had had football back in 1776.
- Ben Franklin would have favored Kyle Orton over Tim Tebow just for the parties alone. Franklin was a simple Deist and self-avowed lover of prostitutes. One of the last lines he deleted in his autobiography read, "I hold large butts virtuous and I cannot lie, you other founders cannot rightly deny, when a woman walks by with an less than ample waist and a round thing in your face, you are conferred sprung." Hundreds of years later, Sir Mix-A-Lot ripped him off.
- Alexander Hamilton would not have asked Plaxico Burress for shooting lessons. Hamilton died in a duel with Aaron Burr in 1804. Like Kurt Cobain, Hamilton became bigger in death. Hamilton made the cover of the $10 bill. Burr was hoping for the cover of Tiger Beat, but never lived down his role in Hamilton's death; he remains controversial to this day.
- John Adams would have favored Tim Tebow over Kyle Orton, because he found girls with faith sexy, too. Adams once remarked: "the Christian religion is, above all the religions that ever prevailed or existed in ancient or modern times, the religion of wisdom, virtue, equity and humanity." Adams then went on to add, "And those Presbyterian girls are stacked, dude!" Adams died on July 4th, so he also had a flare for the dramatic.
- John Jay would have been a poor choice for the NFLPA. Jay originally supported reconcilliation with the British in the years leading up to the Revolutionary War. It's only after the damned Brits burned Norfolk, Virginia that Jay became what we like to call a "true American." His reason for holding out so long? He was worried he'd be unable to procure the best fish and chips in the colonies any longer.
- Thomas Jefferson would have had no problem with today's NFL playbook. His personal library of 6,487 books was the foundation for the Library of Congress, which the damned Brits had burned during the War of 1812. The price tag for Jefferson's collection was $23,950. Rumor has it that he would have received less had he used eBay. His last words were reportedly, "Once you go black, you never go back."
- James Madison would have been a fan of Wes Welker. Madison stood just 5 feet 4 inches tall (the shortest President in U.S. history), although in the Presidential Program Guide he was listed at 5 feet 8 inches. Madison was also the first president to wear pants instead of breeches. Inside the White House, though, he liked to go commando.
- George Washington was the greatest middle linebacker of his generation. He wore size 13 shoes, stood 6 feet 2 inches tall, and weighed in at 200 pounds. At the Battle of Fort Necessity, he once completely decapitated a French soldier when he came across the middle. Instead of stopping the action, Washington grabbed a few of his teeth for his denture collection and called a zone-dog blitz on the next play.
Enjoy your weekend, everyone! I'd like to give a personal "shout out" to James Madison, who authored the Bill of Rights, which gives all of us here at It's All Over, Fat Man! the ability to say what we want and criticize the Broncos without Joe Ellis sending in the military.
TJ Johnson can be reached through telegraph, ESP, Spanish interpretor, or via email: firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter if you want to see him mock "the man." He assumes you are following It’s All Over Fat Man on Facebook and Twitter, but if you are not, that’s nihilistic, man.