When your weekly column coincides with the opening day of the Major League Baseball season, you might as well be writing the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner for all it's worth:
Baseball, baseball, everywhere, and Roger Goodell did shrink.
Baseball, baseball, everywhere, nor a CBA to drink.
If you skipped your last two years of eligibility in order to declare for the NFL Draft (or you wear a silver and black thong), you may not get these two lines. I don't blame you; you've bigger fish to fry. In the case of the thong, I'm talking dirty laundry, holmes.
We'll leave the laundry for another day. It's a day to focus on baseball.
So let me get right to the point: baseball is for total weenies.
Forget that most baseball games are lifeless and completely boring; forget that the Yankees and Red Sox are the only teams that ESPN will talk about for the next six months; forget that the only reason you go to a baseball game is to have an excuse to get buzzed and pick up girls (not happening, loser) for nine long innings. Now that steroids are out of the game, I'm reduced to watch smaller guys hit less home runs. One word: limp. Nobody wants to see a guy make the All-Star Team with a .270 average and 20 home runs. During his heyday, Sammy Sosa could have done this using his pinky finger as the bat (as long as it was corked). Perhaps I'm speculating here, but I'm guessing Brian Cushing could hit 20 bombs with his inner thigh.
What baseball needs is some rule changes - you know, to make it more like football. Here are just a few I pondered while considering how many extra wins Cy Young would have racked up if he had only injected himself in the ass:
- Metal Bats. If you really want to make baseball interesting, you need more concussions. Introducing metal bats would certainly ensure that the third baseman was suddenly the "toughest" guy on the team.
- After a strikeout, all pitchers for the Baltimore Orioles will be required to dance like Ray Lewis after a sack.
- Gus Johnson lessons for all club play-by-play announcers.
- When breaking up a double play, allow the runner to form-tackle the shortstop (especially if it's Derek Jeter).
- During the MLB Draft, all players drafted will be required to wear not a baseball cap, but a football helmet of the team that drafted them.
- Remove the 7th-inning stretch. Instead, stop the game in the middle of the fourth. Both teams would immediately retreat to their clubhouses, while everyone on TV watches a dozen straight beer commercials.
- Shaking off a sign from the catcher will heretofore be known as "audibling."
- If a hitter is taking too long on his home run trot, allow the third baseball to "crack back" the runner as he rounds third base.
- NFL players don't wear cups, so why should MLB players? It sure would make ground balls more interesting.
- Let Brett Favre have a tryout (if he's not busy sexting).
Feel free to suggest your own rule changes in the comments section. Until then, enjoy this classic by George Carlin on the differences between football and baseball: