Despite being well bred, well read, conversant in all manner of topics in multiple languages, and possessing an uncanny and impeccable taste for the finer luxuries in this world, I admit--during moments of weakness--a passing yet substantive fancy for tramping and a penchant for lap-dance discussions; after all, there exist, as a matter of due course, those occasions upon which nary a second should pass without thrusting erect (oh yeah) and headstrong into those crevices of the human mind that have proven baser and more carnal.
In short, it's fun to argue. I find great comfort in it. If one can't anonymously jump on the internet and falsely lord over others with jargon, statistics, and outright buffoonery, where can one truly suck the marrow out of life? Nowhere, that's where. One's girlfriend or wife (or special lady friend) simple won't stand for it. So on a Saturday like this, there are two options: 1) rake the lawn; 2) argue about Tim Tebow.
I'm picking the latter, thank you.
During a bye week one encounters such choices. Usually I spend this time picking apart film and charting the Broncos' opponent for the coming week. Without that option, I'm going to have to go freestyle--commando, if you will--and hope for the best as I strive towards one thousand words.
Try to think of this as a Mail Revue without questions. Unfortunately for me, I won't have anyone to make fun of but myself.
1. First, you'll notice my title. Tim Tebow is featured heavily. There's a reason for that. It gets clicks. It's the Mike Florio way. You'll probably recall that as Florio was building up his website Pro Football Talk, he mentioned Brett Favre so often in his titles that one suspected Florio and Favre might be sexting. Lucky for me, Tebow is a virgin. But we'll still get the benefit of clicks. How else are we supposed to continue to milk ourselves and give away the milk for free?
2. I'm compelled to weigh in on the "Tebow thing," but as a guy who writes thirty bullet-point reactions after every Broncos game, I feel as if I've said too much already. Besides, I already saw this three-act play last year and wrote some kick-ass satire on it then. If you take the time to read it, you'll be both a smarter and happier person. The Tebowites might also finally get off my ass for criticizing Tebow's quote about having the QB position ripped back away from him. For a few days after that, I thought I might very well burn in hell. I still might, but only for those times as a teenager when I hid a dozen Playboys under the mattress.
3. At about the same time last year, I first wrote about my theory that some call a grand conspiracy--namely, that John Elway wants nothing to do with either guy. For those that want the Reader's Digest version of my take on the QB situation, however, it was this: Kyle Orton needs a glorious pocket to succeed, Tim Tebow needs an offense that is heavily based in the shotgun and around his strengths (this week, Ted wrote one of the best pairs of columns on this you'll ever see), and if neither of these things were going to happen, the Broncos were likely to wipe the slate clean. Thus far, I've not seen any reason to deviate from this position. Despite our minor differences in perspective, Ted, Doc, Doug and I have all pretty much maintained this take all along.
4. Speaking of Elway, I again implore everyone to watch his actions, not listen to his words. As late as two weeks ago, he was on the radio saying that Kyle Orton was still learning the offense and that they didn't know what they had with Orton as a justification for not playing Tebow. I remember thinking, I do not understand the words that are coming out of your mouth, but I hear them. Elway, despite losing $15 million in a Ponzi scheme in 2010, is a shrewd cat. At any point if you hear Elway, John Fox or Brian Xanders speaking, please remember the words of one of the greatest glam-metal-spandex poets of the last generation, Joe Elliott of Def Leppard: "Action not words."
5. Xanders recently claimed on the radio that he doesn't read what is being said about the team. Right. When we criticized Xanders for his malaprops last year, we suddenly noticed his measured speech and flawless grammar. When we told our readers he wasn't matching his belt with this shoes, he suddenly wore a suit. X-Man, it's cool, bro. Tranquilo. We're past blaming you for your actions under Josh McDaniels, unless, of course, you want to bring up Clay Matthews, which, of course, we are certain you don't.
6. Regarding the Brandon Lloyd situation, I'm giving it one big yawn. If they trade him, they get something like a fourth- or fifth-round draft pick. If they don't, he's making catches for eleven more games. Wake me up before the next Wham! reunion tour. Lloyd has been a good player for the Broncos, but the Broncos just jumped aboard the USS John Elway, which is heading out to sea for a three-year tour.
7. After having sifted through literally hundreds of quotes from Tim Tebow this week, from which I created our Tim Tebow Random Quote Generator, I was astounded how many times Tebow said that football wasn't all that important in his life. I wonder how many of the Tebow zealots, as Sandy Clough calls them, realize it. Perhaps they do realize it, and I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt. If that's the case, I am surely due for some hell fire.
8. Ted, Doug, Doc, and I have a fun time debating how many of our readers actually qualify as Tebow zealots, but the truth is, we really don't know. Zealots are a hard group to peg, and it's a bit like trying to determine the sex of a kitten. You have to be pretty close to really know. If you're a zealot and you know it,
clap your hands leave a comment. If you're a zealot and you know it, clap your hands leave a comment. If you're a zealot and you know it, then your face will surely show it. If you're a zealot and you know it, clap your hands leave a comment.
9. One of the reasons Kyle Orton lost his starting job has nothing to do with Tebow zealotry nor his poor execution of the offensive game plan. No one is really talking about it. It has everything to do with leverage--that is, the subtle differences in defensive positioning pre-snap that create added space for receivers. It's the sort of thing that Aaron Rodgers takes advantage of numerous times a game. Next week I hope to write about this in detail, but if you've got two receivers running comeback routes against two cornerbacks, and one of the cornerbacks has inside leverage pre-snap, you'd better go in the other direction. It's these sorts of small decisions that add up over the course of several games.
10. I've been reading a lot lately about the psychology of sports fan and what causes a person to devote meaningful hours of their life to outcomes of a game they have no control over. It's all pretty hilarious literature. Sports fans are more likely to use the word "we" when describing their teams after a win and more likely to use the word "they" after their team loses. In addition, mean testosterone levels decrease by about 20% in male sports fans after their teams loses. Ladies, that means you're probably not getting a lot of satisfaction from all your Bronco men after a 4-12 season. But don't worry, fans of those teams that win more often have higher traffic fatalities. You guessed it, all that extra testosterone causes them to drive like idiots.