A Zombie’s Guide to Feasting on Demaryius Thomas

Yesterday, I wrote something that had been perceived by some as negative towards Tim Tebow and Tebowmania.

I called the Tebowmaniacs names like zombies and vampires; I took a shot at Bob Tebow; I even implied that perhaps--just perhaps--Team Tebow was more concerned with building and promoting Tim Tebow as religious icon than it was about football.    

Then it hit me: I was trolling the trolls. I was sucking on vampires. I was eating the flesh of zombies.      

As tasty as it was--and you better believe flesh from the undead brings a killer buzz, dude--I realized I needed to balance the scales. As someone pointed out, it's simply not American of us here at IAOFM to create a website (and pay the associated hosting costs) that promotes our views of a zombie-filled football world and let the market decide our fate. Instead, we should fulfill our civic duty: turn our message boards into Zombieland itself.

While I'm not sure we're prepared for that just yet, I thought the least I could do was help the zombies along. An instruction manual was in order.    

Just what do I mean? Well, it seems the other day when Demaryius Thomas gave some poorly worded answers in an interview on Tim Tebow, what the zombies needed was some encouragement and guidance. They'd managed to flame John Elway and Von Miller just fine, but this was on another level. The very essence of "Tebow Time" was threatened by the Broncos' goofy wide receiver. 

The zombies needed to bring out their "A" game.

And some did. It was my job--nay, my obligation to Zombieland--to find this talent and provide further instruction in the art of eating flesh. This lead me to a Zombie's Guide to Feasting on Demaryius Thomas.  Feel free to pick another player (retired or not) who may have even hinted at negativity towards Tim Tebow. If you need a good starting point, let us suggest to you players like Eric Decker, Rod Smith, Eddie Royal, Champ Bailey, Chris Kuper, and John Elway himself (oops, that's been done already).

Now, on with The Guide. The examples provided were all taken from Twitter between the time Demaryius Thomas gave his interview and last night. As you'll see, Zombieland is long, strong, and ready to get the friction on (zombie style!). And remember, with just a little practice, you, too, can chow on mucho flesh.

#1 - The Direct Approach

I'm a big fan of the Direct Approach in most situations when the goal is to troll anyone opposed to Tim Tebow. What you do is go right up to your intended target, and just before devouring flesh, you say something like this guy did to Demaryius Thomas:

See how this works? Don't mix words. Don't bring up stats. Just say what's on your mind, flesh eater.

If this wasn't clear enough, here's another good example of the Direct Approach, with some extra flair:

Get down with your bad self, zombie boy. All that's rotten is not zombie, but in your case, it really is.  

# 2 - The Jesus Method

If the Direct Approach is too much, try The Jesus Method. After all, zombies and The Bible have been intertwined for quite a long time (Zechariah 14:12). Here's a good example:

Nothing stops a 6'3 wide receiver from speaking ill of Tim Tebow like a good don't diss Jesus u fool retweet. I'm still trying to find in the interview where Thomas dissed Jesus, but it's no wonder Thomas backtracked the next day from his Tebow comments. They gots to eat, y'all.

Don't f#$! with The Jesus, as they say. 

# 3 - The Anti-Cheers Method

With this approach, your target must know that, unlike the famous TV show, nobody knows his name--that is until Tim Tebow came around. In this case, it doesn't matter that Demaryius Thomas was drafted before Tebow. Nobody had ever heard of him until Tim Tebow made him gold. Check out these two sweet examples, my zombie friends:

Amen, Zombie Donny. Preach the Gospel according to The Walking Dead. 

Both of these guys went all out. It makes a zombie proud. Both combined their attacks with The Direct Method for a wonderful day of flesh eating. No word yet on if Joe really had not heard of most people before Tebow was born. 

Here's another stellar example:

Gratitude to you,Mr. Burberry. You give zombies a good name.  

# 4 - The You're a Dumb Black Guy Method

If you ever want to truly feast on the flesh of your victim, you've got to be prepared to go personal. This is the very essence of the You're a Dumb Black Guy Method. Let a pro show you how it's done:

Got it? You'll never confuse Pooh Bear with Doc Bear, will you? This guy gets extra zombie points for his gansta use of word "lil'."

And then there's this guy, Pat:

Pat don't want no scrubs. A scrub is a Bronco that can't get no love from Pat. Hanging out from passenger's side of Tebow's ride, trying to holler at Pat.

# 5 - The Debbie Sandoval / Sonja Black Method

This method is named for two former Broncos fans who, once Tebow was traded to the New York Jets, switched their allegiance. Employing the method is cake: renounce your fanhood when someone affiliated with the Broncos attacks (or whispers about) Tebow. Here is an acceptable example:

A variation of this is to renounce your supposed allegiance to the very player who made the statement:

I'm not quite sure if this woman was happy for DT when he was playing in the bush leagues or not, but it's zombieliscious, indeed. COGoddess, I hope you're wearing zombie lingerie; you're turning me zombie on!

# 6 - The Thug Attack

You'll figure this one out quick enough--if someone has something bad to say about Tim Tebow, accuse them of nefarious activities, even rape:

It may look easy, neophyte zombies, but be careful with this one.  It's an advanced zombie move.  You've got to layer double entendres without meaning to if you want to pull this one off in 140 characters.

# 7 - Use Superlatives

I must confess, I'm not a fan of this method.  It's too tame--not enough cursing and swearing. The basic approach is to try and make a football argument using words like "never" and "every."  Here are a few instances:

First, forget the fact that Tebow was the 12th most sacked QB last year despite only 346 dropbacks. And forget that Eric Decker was targeted 91 times. These things don't matter. In Zombieland, "never" and "always" are proper nouns.  

What really zombies me out here, though, is that these guys aren't getting furious enough to use four-letter words.  Zombie hearts everywhere--dark and rotted and cold--weep when cussing is not in play. 

# 8 - The Curse Method

When all other methods fail, one thing a zombie can always try is to wish upon the target bodily harm.  In short, if you can't eat their flesh, wish someone else could:

Ray is a little confusing (I'm not sure if Tebow made Demaryius or his ass by the context of this tweet), but he gets huge zombie props for dropping the "g" from his participles and gerunds.  Zombies always do that--there's something about prouncing the "g" that's difficult for the rotting tongue. 

An ACL tastes like chicken, in case you were wondering.

# 9 - The Tebow Made You Method

Who made who?  Who made you?  Tim Tebow, that's who, gator zombie bait. This method is another simple one and a variation on the Anti-Cheers Method.  Tell your target that their success is directly a result of Tim Tebow, which of course, it is:

This guy brings some added zombie glitter with a personal attack and some old-fashioned shame. If only we could bottle this and sell it in Zombieland, we could afford our hosting fees.

P.S.: ZOMBIES LOVE THE USE OF CAPS LOCK!

# 10 - The Tebow is a Better Human Being Than You Method

When all else fails, brave zombie, bring out the ultimate flame (and blame) when it comes to Tim Tebow: he's a better person than you are.

Tim Tebow--the hardest working guy in football--is the opposite of today's spoiled athlete and drama queens, so of course, this magnifies the awesomeness of this fleshy attack.  Combine this with the you're so jealous of Tim Tebow card (which probably deserves its own category), and you're on your way to zombie heaven.

And can one really ever get enough douche bag slams?  The answer is no. 

Now, Zombieland, go forth, and in the name of Tim Tebow, eat! Eat! 

(Note: for dozens more tweets just like these, turn your twitter to Zombieland and do a mention search for @DemaryiusT)

I’m glad we had this talk.  Now, vaya con Dios, Brah.

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