You Got Served

You Got Served by Ted Bartlett

You Got Served: Live first-round analysis

Ted Bartlett evaluates draft-eligible prospects in his spare time, among a number of activities he pursues, including golf, MBA classes, and dating women who are much younger than him.  When his kindergarten teacher told him that he was advanced, what she was saying was that, with minimal effort, he'd be able to do better than "really passionate" people who try their hardest.  He also focuses on the NFL's business and legal environment, offensive and defensive schemes, going off on unrelated tangents, and all 32 teams in the NFL. Follow along as he offers his instant analysis of tonight's NFL Draft.

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You Got Served - White Boy Day!

RESOLUTION

WHEREAS Peyton Hillis did consistently perform feats of superhuman strength, otherworldy athleticism, and other-universely grit, while maintaining large biceps and wearing alligator-skinned boots on his off-time, and loving Wal-Mart, apple pie (from Wal-Mart), grandma (a greeter at Wal-Mart), and wholesome milk from American cows (in the Northern Mariana Islands),

AND WHEREAS he played for a since-deposed coach who took a lenient attitude toward his eight fumbles, especially those which happened while hurdling other men, because, hey, that's a highlight play on SportsCenter most of the time,

AND WHEREAS the greater Cleveland area has long been looking for a true caucasian hero, from towns like Euclid and Lyndhurst to Beachwood and Solon, through Brecksville and Strongsville, and Middleburg Heights, and up to the noted caucasian haven of Parma, through Fairview Park, North Olmsted, Lakewood, Rocky River, and Westlake, and extending outward to the white parts of Lorain County, Summit County, Portage County, Geauga County, and every other damn county with a significant caucasian population who wants in on this,

AND WHEREAS a legion of scorned Broncos fans, and stupid dumbass reporters at the Denver Post can now gloat, and say they told us so,

LET IT BE RESOLVED that today, April 28, 2011, shall be called White Boy Day.  We at IAOFM congratulate Peyton Hillis and his legion of caucasian fans in Cleveland, Denver, Arkansas, and soon, the entire globe on their shared victory.  We hope it tastes sweet like Wal-Mart apple pie.

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You Got Served - Capital One Girls edition

Happy Friday, friends, and welcome to another edition of You Got Served.  There’s been a semi-interesting development in the labor front, and I owe you a Vegas debrief too, whether you want one or not.  In between, we’ll talk some football in advance of the approaching Draft.  Armed with a lighter checking account, iTunes on shuffle rocking some Aimee Mann, (One is the loneliest number) and the Will to Dominate, we proceed.  Ready…. BEGIN!!!

1.  I’m not a lawyer, thank Baptist god, and I’ve never played one on television.  Mostly in my TV experiences, I’ve competed in spelling bees, glared menacingly at a camera guy while carrying trash off the Spruance following a hurricane sortie, or given a politically incorrect opinion or six.  All the sort of stuff you’d expect from a guy like me.  As a non-lawyer, I’m often left to speculate on legal matters which pertain to football, because there aren’t a lot of football writers who are admitted to the bar.  I had a pretty high Wonderlic score when I applied for a job at Progressive a few years ago, so I just kind of trust that, and wing it.

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You Got Served - UConn FTW edition

Happy Tuesday, friends, and welcome to a Great day to be from Connecticut edition of You Got Served.  As you can imagine, I was tied up for most of Monday evening, so this is going to be shorter than usual, but since it didn’t really cost you anything, I was thinking you’d be happy enough with it anyway.  Armed with home-state pride, a minor snakebite buzz, and the knowledge that I’m unlikely to wind down enough to fall asleep until about 3 AM, we’re getting underway.  Ready…. BEGIN!!

1.  In case you hadn’t heard, not much of substance has been going on in the NFL lately, and a couple weeks ago, I swore off speculating on the CBA situation until something real happens.  I knew in a small way that I was handicapping my ability to find interesting football topics during the lockout, but I didn’t quite fully appreciate the gravity of the decision.

Of course, I’m a stubborn SOB, so I am sticking to my guns, so add that to the more obvious reasons I’m hoping for an injunction in the next couple weeks.  Your boy needs something to write about.

Something interesting beyond the glorious Connecticut victory happened today, actually.  I made a deal on a new place to live and decided to rent a townhouse in Westlake, which is one of the nicest suburbs of Cleveland.  A key feature of the new place is that I am able to get DirecTV and fire Time Warner Cable, which is the corporate personification of awfulness.

I didn’t exactly announce this during the OneManFootball era, but a key reason that I was less prolific as a writer in 2010 than I had been the previous two seasons was that I didn’t have access to nearly as many games.  I have a policy that I don’t comment on football that I haven’t seen with my own eyes, so I honestly had less to say.

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You Got Served - More rosterbation

Happy Friday, friends, and welcome to part two of Ted’s Grand Rosterbation Exercise.  I haven’t gone blind yet, so maybe it’s just a myth.  Whatevs… I’ll risk it.  Armed with a starting point of 20/15 eyesight (thanks to the fine people at LASIKPlus), the comfort of having completed two midterms this week, and the home state pride of seeing both UConn’s men’s and women’s basketball teams in the Final Four (again), I’m getting this thing underway.  Ready….. BEGIN!!!

I came with some serious mockery last week, and I decided that I’d close the circle today and create and discuss my conception of a Rational Actor roster for the Broncos.  First, let’s revisit where we are vis-à-vis the Draft:

  • We traded Kyle Orton to San Francisco for a 3rd-round pick, and a conditional 2012 pick that could be as high as another 3rd-rounder.
  • When Carolina took Cam Newton first overall, we sold off the #2 pick to the team that wanted Blaine Gabbert the most, the Arizona Cardinals.  To move down to #5, we acquired #38 and #69, as well as a 3rd-rounder in 2012.  (Yes, that’s a reasonable deal.  Think of the Giants/Chargers Manning/Rivers deal in 2004, and you’ll see it’s comparable.)
  • We drafted the following players:

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You Got Served: IAOFM in-house mockery!

Check the picture, friends.  It's 9 PM on Monday night, and I just got out of class.  I had a busy day in the office, with another one starting preternaturally early (for me, anyway) tomorrow.  I also need to devote some time to my impending housing situation tonight.  I've decided that I have three hours to contribute tonight, and I thought that I'd reprise something I experimented with last year, which I called the Rational Actor Mock Draft.  Last year, I did it as a PowerPoint slide deck and voiceover, but I'm going to write it this time.

This is conceptually different than other mockery for a few reasons:

  1. Every team has a rational actor for a decision maker.  Essentially, I'm saying what I would do as the GM for each team, not what their actual GM will do.
  2. I'm factoring in two key hypothetical trades:  Kevin Kolb was traded to Seattle for the #25 pick, and Kyle Orton was traded to San Francisco for their third-round pick in 2011 (#76), and a conditional 2012 pick that could be as high as another third.  Cincinnati refuses to trade Carson Palmer, and he retires.  This clears up the key part of the veteran QB market.
  3. One part of my mind can trade with the other, where it makes rational sense for both sides.  I'm only bothering to do this in the first round.

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You Got Served - Opening/exiting the circle

Happy Wednesday, friends, and welcome to You Got Served.  I finally have a running home computer, $500 and three weeks later, so I’m aiming to give you a good one here, to the extent that the current news environment allows.  Armed with Raekwon’s excellent new album Shaolin Vs Wu-Tang, excitement that the local Cleveland weather is breaking, and tentative plans to take Thursday off to play outdoor golf, I’m all set to get this thing started.  Ready… BEGIN!!!

1.  I haven’t written since my brief decertification reaction piece last Friday night, and a lot has happened since then - that is, if you’re measuring in public posturing by representatives of both sides and horribly ill-informed commentary by most football media types.  Good heavens!  Has it gotten too personal to reach an agreement?  Get used to this answer.  No.  It’s just business.

In terms of progress, all that’s happened is that the hearing to rule on the players’ injunction against the lockout was scheduled for April 6th.  My expectation continues to be that the injunction will be granted, and this will have been the most meaningless lockout ever.  I don’t consider it a foregone conclusion that 2010 rules will be adopted, as the ones from 2009 were much more in line with the concepts outlined in the 1993 settlement that became the last CBA.  A case could be made for either model, and I suspect that the outcome will be the result of a loose negotiation between the judge (presumably David Doty), and lawyers from the two sides.

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You Got Served, Bunker-Hill-is-open style

Happy Tuesday, friends.  Thanks for joining me for another Serving.  As Doug noted yesterday, the topic of the week is the CBA, and we’re going to get into that some today.  We’re also going to “sneak in some football” like Peter King did.  I'm happy because I just got an email saying that Bunker Hill Golf Course is open today for outdoor play.  Even though I'm stuck at work, it puts me in a very good mood, because it reminds me that spring is upon us, even those of us who live in Cleveland.  So armed with that good mood, a slow news week, and a drug called Charlie Sheen that's laced with concentrated Tiger Blood, let's get this thing started.  Ready….. BEGIN!!!

1.  The NFLPA and the NFL continue to negotiate, and I know only one thing for sure.  There won’t be a lockout.  There will either be a deal or a decertification.  The fact that the NFLPA has to decertify in advance of the end of the current CBA to stay in David Doty’s court, and to prevent a lockout dictates that a lockout will never even be an option.

There was some question whether players would actually use the decertification option, but I’m here to tell you, they were ready to do so last Thursday, and they spooked the owners into extending the CBA, first for a day, and then for a week, which continues.  Somebody asked last week if I thought that decertification was some kind of despicable pre-planned tactic by the union, and I never found time to respond in the comments.  The answer is that I don’t think it’s any more despicable than a lockout.  Each side is appropriately a self-interested actor, and has certain tactics they can employ.  It just so happens that the NFLPA has the upper hand right now, tactically speaking.

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You Got Served (In the 3rd person)

Happy Thursday, friends.  My computer problems continue, and I’m still awaiting a damn Windows 7 restore disk from Gateway.  As such, I am typing from my work laptop tonight (Wednesday), which is exactly what I want to do after working on it all day.

That said, I may not have the most stamina for looking at this little screen, so I’m going to get right to this.  All I have is Only Built 4 Cuban Linx, my thoughts, and the natural tenacity of a former United States sailor.  Ready…. BEGIN!!

1.   A lot of interesting stuff has happened lately around the CBA negotiation, and by the time this drops around noon Thursday, what I’m about to say might be really old news, or even outdated.  I’m going to go ahead with some thoughts though, as of 8:40 PM Wednesday night.

Have you ever heard of the term “judicial activist?”  It always cracks me up when I hear it used, because depending on your political point of view, it seems that it’s only activism if you disagree with the ruling at hand.  A lot of people who say Roe v. Wade was judicial activism sure seemed to think it was cool when 2 of the 5 federal judges who’ve ruled on the Affordable Care Act found the individual mandate to be unconstitutional.  Conversely, a lot of people who appreciate Roe v. Wade will tell you that the recent rulings by judges Henry Hudson and John Vinson constitute thinly-veiled political hackery by a couple of Republican appointees. 

Of course, if we’re going to have any kind of judicial integrity, none of us can have it both ways, even if we all seem to want to, at times.  Judges have to be free to rule as they deem appropriate within the law.  David Doty, a Ronald Reagan appointee of 1987, is a Senior District Judge for the United States District Court for the District of Minnesota.  He’s had jurisdiction over the NFL’s CBA since 1993.

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You Got Served (a day late)

Happy Tuesday Wednesday, friends - and welcome to the Year in Review Edition of You Got Served.  Since that sterling example of journalistic football excellence, Peter King, ran his YIR piece Monday, I feel like I need to one-up him today, as I review the year that has been.

Here goes...

January, 2010 – I left MileHighReport.com and started a website that I was sure was going to be the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Sliced bread is pretty damn great, so I was setting a high standard for myself.

February, 2010 – I started to realize that writing all of the content, doing all of the site’s technology management, and still working a full-time job was a lot.  Still, I pressed on.

March, 2010 – I still pressed on, and imagined that I was learning what it was like to bang my head against a wall repeatedly.

April, 2010 – I felt burned out from football writing, and after the Draft, I took a break that ultimately resulted in being the end of SmarterFans.com.  It wasn’t that good from the beginning anyway, and I knew it.  On the bright side, I got asked to play in a golf tournament at work - never having played much golf, I bought clubs, started taking lessons, and set about trying not to embarrass myself in June, when it was time to play.

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