You Got Served

You Got Served by Ted Bartlett

6 Things I’ve Decided Are True

Happy Tuesday, friends.  I hope everybody had a nice holiday weekend and got to spend it with friends and family.  I had an excellent weekend, and today finds me in a good mood.  I’ve been trying to think of something to write about, since we’re at that lull period of the offseason - even if this were a regular year - where nothing is going on, and everything has been analyzed to death.

After careful deliberation, I decided to mock honor our old friend Peter King by listing 6 Things I’ve Decided Are True, because once I think about something, I decide on an answer.  Peter King is somebody who thinks that he thinks things.  I know what I think – maybe that makes me weird.  Anyway, I hope you enjoy it, and get that same warm fuzzy feeling that Peter gives you each week when he isn’t having randoms write his column while he vacations in Montclair, New Jersey, or whatever.

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Mike Brown and Ralph Wilson can feel free to shut up

I have absolutely no sympathy for Ralph Wilson or Mike Brown as the rumors fly that they don’t appreciate the direction that the Brady vs. NFL settlement talks have been taking in putting together a new CBA.  Neither man is a quality NFL owner or shows the slightest desire or ability to make his team a consistent winner.

Wilson, who is 92 years old, seems to be playing out the string of his life.  He pays lip service to wanting to keep the Bills in Buffalo, but he clearly recognizes that the viability of western New York as an NFL home continues to diminish as its historically blue collar labor environment is marginalized, and the population resultingly diminishes.  Buffalo is the worst market in the NFL, and when the team is sold upon Wilson’s death, I’m pretty sure the new owner will be looking to Toronto or Los Angeles.

As for Brown, he’s the son of Paul Brown, who founded the Bengals back when you didn’t have to really be all that wealthy to start an NFL team.  Paul was a successful coach of the Browns for many years, and it sure helped to have Hall of Famers like Otto Graham, Marion Motley, Lou Groza, and Jim Brown.  Upon founding the Bengals, the Brown magic never returned.  Mike Brown is not the football man his father was, and he's also the cheapest owner in the NFL.  He hires the assistant coaches - with the Head Coach having little to no say in the matter - and pays them the lowest salaries in the NFL for their peer groups.  He also has always maintained the smallest scouting staff in the NFL, and the senior front office people are a bunch of Browns and Blackburns.  They’re the only mom and pop team in the NFL, and that’s the biggest reason that they can never establish a consistent winning program. 

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You Got Served: If I had two billion dollars

I was asked Thursday night what I believe in, spiritually speaking, and the answer I gave is that I believe in the power of people, specifically myself.  What I really believe in is self-interest, and that all people will strive to achieve theirs, to the extent that they’re fully able to understand what that self-interest is.  The world is an enormous collection of self-interests, and that’s true of people, companies, nations, and any other type of entity.

This is a key determinant of my thought process about everything that happens in the world.  For example, it’s why I consider myself to be a foreign policy realist.  (In terms of the American political spectrum, realism is centrist-to-center/right; it has been a key tenet of the foreign policy activities of the Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush I, Clinton and Obama administrations, and it was openly disdained by the Bush II administration.)  Nations act in their own best interests, and therefore the best way to approach diplomacy is to try to understand what those interests are, and what those nations think their interests are, in the event that there is a difference.

I decided to share this, because it’s just so fundamental to my thought process, and by reading my work, each of you knowingly partakes of the resulting thoughts.  Today, as always, I’ve got some thoughts to share.

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You Got Served: Live third-round analysis

Ted Bartlett evaluates draft-eligible prospects in his spare time, among a number of activities he pursues, including golf, MBA classes, and dating women who are much younger than him.  When his kindergarten teacher told him that he was advanced, what she was saying was that, with minimal effort, he'd be able to do better than "really passionate" people who try their hardest.  He also focuses on the NFL's business and legal environment, offensive and defensive schemes, going off on unrelated tangents, and all 32 teams in the NFL. Follow along as he offers his instant analysis of tonight's NFL Draft.

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You Got Served: Live second-round analysis

Ted Bartlett evaluates draft-eligible prospects in his spare time, among a number of activities he pursues, including golf, MBA classes, and dating women who are much younger than him.  When his kindergarten teacher told him that he was advanced, what she was saying was that, with minimal effort, he'd be able to do better than "really passionate" people who try their hardest.  He also focuses on the NFL's business and legal environment, offensive and defensive schemes, going off on unrelated tangents, and all 32 teams in the NFL. Follow along as he offers his instant analysis of tonight's NFL Draft.

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You Got Served - Best players remaining

Ted Bartlett evaluates draft-eligible prospects in his spare time, among a number of activities he pursues, including golf, MBA classes, and dating women who are much younger than him.  When his kindergarten teacher told him that he was advanced, what she was saying was that, with minimal effort, he'd be able to do better than "really passionate" people who try their hardest.  He also focuses on the NFL's business and legal environment, offensive and defensive schemes, going off on unrelated tangents, and all 32 teams in the NFL.  He wants you to know that he smirks a lot, and is probably doing so as you read this.  Follow him on Twitter at @TedBartlett905, and follow @IAOFM, @T_J_Johnson, and @alloverfatman while you're at it.  Also, feel free to like us on Facebook.

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You Got Served: Live first-round analysis

Ted Bartlett evaluates draft-eligible prospects in his spare time, among a number of activities he pursues, including golf, MBA classes, and dating women who are much younger than him.  When his kindergarten teacher told him that he was advanced, what she was saying was that, with minimal effort, he'd be able to do better than "really passionate" people who try their hardest.  He also focuses on the NFL's business and legal environment, offensive and defensive schemes, going off on unrelated tangents, and all 32 teams in the NFL. Follow along as he offers his instant analysis of tonight's NFL Draft.

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You Got Served - White Boy Day!

RESOLUTION

WHEREAS Peyton Hillis did consistently perform feats of superhuman strength, otherworldy athleticism, and other-universely grit, while maintaining large biceps and wearing alligator-skinned boots on his off-time, and loving Wal-Mart, apple pie (from Wal-Mart), grandma (a greeter at Wal-Mart), and wholesome milk from American cows (in the Northern Mariana Islands),

AND WHEREAS he played for a since-deposed coach who took a lenient attitude toward his eight fumbles, especially those which happened while hurdling other men, because, hey, that's a highlight play on SportsCenter most of the time,

AND WHEREAS the greater Cleveland area has long been looking for a true caucasian hero, from towns like Euclid and Lyndhurst to Beachwood and Solon, through Brecksville and Strongsville, and Middleburg Heights, and up to the noted caucasian haven of Parma, through Fairview Park, North Olmsted, Lakewood, Rocky River, and Westlake, and extending outward to the white parts of Lorain County, Summit County, Portage County, Geauga County, and every other damn county with a significant caucasian population who wants in on this,

AND WHEREAS a legion of scorned Broncos fans, and stupid dumbass reporters at the Denver Post can now gloat, and say they told us so,

LET IT BE RESOLVED that today, April 28, 2011, shall be called White Boy Day.  We at IAOFM congratulate Peyton Hillis and his legion of caucasian fans in Cleveland, Denver, Arkansas, and soon, the entire globe on their shared victory.  We hope it tastes sweet like Wal-Mart apple pie.

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You Got Served - Capital One Girls edition

Happy Friday, friends, and welcome to another edition of You Got Served.  There’s been a semi-interesting development in the labor front, and I owe you a Vegas debrief too, whether you want one or not.  In between, we’ll talk some football in advance of the approaching Draft.  Armed with a lighter checking account, iTunes on shuffle rocking some Aimee Mann, (One is the loneliest number) and the Will to Dominate, we proceed.  Ready…. BEGIN!!!

1.  I’m not a lawyer, thank Baptist god, and I’ve never played one on television.  Mostly in my TV experiences, I’ve competed in spelling bees, glared menacingly at a camera guy while carrying trash off the Spruance following a hurricane sortie, or given a politically incorrect opinion or six.  All the sort of stuff you’d expect from a guy like me.  As a non-lawyer, I’m often left to speculate on legal matters which pertain to football, because there aren’t a lot of football writers who are admitted to the bar.  I had a pretty high Wonderlic score when I applied for a job at Progressive a few years ago, so I just kind of trust that, and wing it.

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You Got Served - UConn FTW edition

Happy Tuesday, friends, and welcome to a Great day to be from Connecticut edition of You Got Served.  As you can imagine, I was tied up for most of Monday evening, so this is going to be shorter than usual, but since it didn’t really cost you anything, I was thinking you’d be happy enough with it anyway.  Armed with home-state pride, a minor snakebite buzz, and the knowledge that I’m unlikely to wind down enough to fall asleep until about 3 AM, we’re getting underway.  Ready…. BEGIN!!

1.  In case you hadn’t heard, not much of substance has been going on in the NFL lately, and a couple weeks ago, I swore off speculating on the CBA situation until something real happens.  I knew in a small way that I was handicapping my ability to find interesting football topics during the lockout, but I didn’t quite fully appreciate the gravity of the decision.

Of course, I’m a stubborn SOB, so I am sticking to my guns, so add that to the more obvious reasons I’m hoping for an injunction in the next couple weeks.  Your boy needs something to write about.

Something interesting beyond the glorious Connecticut victory happened today, actually.  I made a deal on a new place to live and decided to rent a townhouse in Westlake, which is one of the nicest suburbs of Cleveland.  A key feature of the new place is that I am able to get DirecTV and fire Time Warner Cable, which is the corporate personification of awfulness.

I didn’t exactly announce this during the OneManFootball era, but a key reason that I was less prolific as a writer in 2010 than I had been the previous two seasons was that I didn’t have access to nearly as many games.  I have a policy that I don’t comment on football that I haven’t seen with my own eyes, so I honestly had less to say.

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