Denver -- And you thought John Elway and Peyton Manning won a lot of games?
Broncos Vice President of Corporate Communications, Jim Saccomano, won his 333rd game for the Denver Broncos on Sunday, putting his win total 147 games above that of previous record holder, Brett Favre. League officials are currently discussing the validity of Saccomano's record, given that he has not coached or played in a single game since his time with the Broncos began in 1978.
A source inside the league office, who chose to remain anonymous for this story, said of Saccomano's claim, "We've never seen a PR guy claim wins before, so it's new territory. Either he's got some big brass balls or that much hubris. We're looking into the issue."
Denver--With Week 17 almost in the books, Homefield Advantage is still weighing his options.
Faced with the prospect of Houston, Denver, or New England, the elusive recluse, who has vacationed in New England during the last two years, could only say: "I've not made any decision yet."
It's thought that the Houston Texans may have the inside edge due to Houston's mild winter climate, but Denver's ski slopes could also be a deciding factor. It's unlikely, though, that Homefield Advantage would want a third straight trip to the bitter wind and cold of New England. By Friday morning, he wasn't giving anything away.
"I love Aspen," he said. "The girls on the slopes are pretty stacked, if you know what I mean. And I've not seen Denver since I freebased some NoDoz on gameday with Mark Brunell in '96. But, listen, I also love moon rocks, too. Isn't that where Kennedy was shot? Wait, is Dallas out of this thing yet?"
Bare River, Wyoming – For the 777 residents of Bare River, a dry and dusty coal town in the central part of Wyoming, Zubaz is more than a fashion statement — it's a way of life. Some say, Zubaz is the very reason the town still exists today.
Zubaz pants, designed in the late 1980s for working out by the wrestling tag team The Road Warriors, feature a tiger-striped print, an elastic waistband, and greater freedom of movement. It's this freedom that saved Bare River on June 23rd, 1990.
Mike Von Haig, who has been the mayor of Bare River since 1986, recalls the day with precision.
"They'd been warning of floods all week," he said. "The damn river was surging over its banks. We thought we might get wiped clean off of the face of the earth. And so we had all of these sand bags the national guard delivered. But there just wasn't enough bodies to put the sandbags where they needed to go. This was before the days of Tim Tebow, so we didn't think to kneel down or nothing. We needed a miracle, and John Elway wasn't on city council."
New York--Former Broncos running back Travis Henry today announced he is joining current Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie in creating a nonprofit dedicated to advancing the cause of super fathers.
"It's like MENSA," said Henry via telephone from an undisclosed location. "Except for dudes with exceedingly high sperm counts."
The nonprofit, called KHAN (Keep Her Away Now) is named for the legendary warrior Genghis Khan, who it's thought is the ancestor to over 16 million people living today. It's estimated the Mongolian warlord fathered thousands of children with hundreds of women during his lifetime.
"Genghis is my boy," said Cromartie. "He really tapped that ass. The cat was the straight up pimp of 1206."
Englewood--Oops, he did it again.
Only this time, he pulled his kicker into the controversy.
On Sunday morning, DJ Williams posted another picture from the Broncos' playbook: a field-goal formation, in which Broncos kicker Matter Prater lines up to attempt a field goal of any distance. The picture was up for only a few minutes before Williams took it down. However, IAOFM's own Baxter McLove, managed to obtain the picture from an anonymous fan who stalks Williams via Twitter.
Ashburn, Va - Mike Shanahan may have landed his dream quarterback when he drafted Robert Griffin III in the first round of this year's draft, but there's another dream the Super Bowl-winning coach still seeks: a world in which the bullying of tanorexics is a thing of the past.
Tanorexia, also known as tanning addiction, is a syndrome in which a person has a physical, emotional, or psychological addiction to outdoor tanning or tanning beds. The bullying of tanorexics is thought to affect as many as one to two people a year in the United States.
"It's a problem," said Shanahan, coach of the Washington Redskins, after yesterday's offseason team activities (OTAs). "Bullying in general, usually affects kids and teenagers. Tanorexic bullying, on the other hand, is different. It's largely an adult problem. And the ugliness has got to stop. It ends now."
(photo via Sports Pickle)
New York--In a shocking move this weekend, lawyers for Jesus H. Christ have sent a cease and desist letter to Tim Tebow, who they claim is illegally using the name of the Son of God to sell products indirectly.
Tebow, the former Heisman Trophy winner, is well known for his exploits on the football field. In college he won two NCAA Championships with the University of Florida. Last year with the Denver Broncos he helped the team make an improbable run to the AFC playoffs. It's Tebow's supposed exploitation of Christ, though, that has Christ's lawyers up in arms. They believe Jesus gives Tebow his distinct brand. Without him, they say, Tebow wouldn't be selling underwear, sports drinks, or shoes made by Indonesian teenagers.
"Mr. Tebow," reads one part of the letter, "Your brand, to a significant degree, depends on millions of Evangelical Christians who have an unhealthy emotional attachment to your success. Through your incessant use of our client's name in post-game interviews without his expressed written permission and your relentless and repetitive public displays of overt invocation in the name of our client--this has recently been described publicly as "Tebowing"--you have contrived an image that, for all intents and purposes, mistakenly gives the impression that our client endorses you; in turn, and through implication, this impression has allowed you to profit extensively through contracts with FRS Healthy Performance, EA Sports, Nike, and Jockey, among others. Our client, in fact, neither endorses these products nor your behavior. Further, our client specificly abhors ads similar to that in which you are shirtless, shoeless, and frolicking in a field with a mustang."