How many video operations directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Who knows? But it takes a whole hell of a lot of them to make the Broncos' stats look good.
After a few weeks on the sideline, The Stats That Don't Lie are back.
Unfortunately for the Broncos, they haven't made a triumphant return.
As you'll see, these stats can't be made to make the Broncos look good under any circumstance.
The good news? You can change your own light bulb.
Imagine there's no Hillis
It's easy if you try
Al Davis still below us
Above us playoff sky...
You may have remembered--just for a flash--on Sunday that the Broncos have a running back named Knowshon Moreno, who ran for 106 yards.
Another silly thought (a reverie perhaps?) probably entered your mind, too: the Broncos can still win this division.
Yes, it's true. With 7 games to go, the Broncos can technically win this thing.
The stats, though, have other ideas.
One trick almost all stats guys have in their bag is sample size.
If you cherry pick your sample size to your desires, you can make the numbers say almost anything.
For example, if a team loses 59-14, you can always focus on that one game and make a wickedly-good argument that the loser of that game was perhaps the worst team in history.
Now that the Broncos have finished 8 weeks of play, these tricks become less useful. 8 games turns into 81 drives, 316 passes, and 185 rushes.
In short, it’s getting harder to hide.
With this in mind, I present to you this week’s Stats That Don’t Lie, which aren’t really bad. They’re just drawn that way.
The Broncos are going to London; their fans are just going barmy.
I’m not going to lie to you. This week’s version of the Stats That Don’t Lie aren’t cracking. In fact, they are quite beastly.
In what seems like a bad horror movie marathon, these stats just keep cutting deeper and deeper.
This week, in an attempt to keep you gobsmacked, I not only compared the Broncos to the league average in each category, I decided to give you their ranking as well. I wanted you to see just how bad it’s become.
So without further delay, let’s get to the stats, which are always on the job and never stop to take a mick.
Last year at this time, the Broncos were 6-0, and all Broncomaniancs felt higher than Brian Cushing on a fertility drug.
A year later, like Cushing, Broncos fans are feeling the crash.
The Broncos are now 2-4. Tied for 2nd; tied for last.
Last year the question was whether or not Kyle Orton could throw the deep ball.
Not only have we found out he can throw the deep ball, but he’s almost become addicted to it.
The Broncos are stacked.
Unfortunately, they are a little top heavy.
Like the guy at the gym who only works his arms, the Broncos have some gigantic biceps.
If they could only work on those chicken legs before they go puffing out their chest.
This week’s stats are going to show you what you already know. The Broncos can pass, but they can’t run. However, even the numbers are misleading (lying, you might say?). Most of these passing yards are hollow because the Broncos have been playing from behind in all of their games.
Either way, you’ve come looking for the stats, so you’re going to get them. Strong. Long. And ready to get the friction on.
There’ll be time enough for countin’, when the dealin’s done. —Vince Lombardi
Even though we’ve already reached the quarter point of the football season, it’s important to remember one thing:
We’ve still got three quarters to go.
That means, like in any game, there’s still time to make a run. The same is true for your division opponents (sans Oakland).
So do yourself a favor and don’t get too married to the following stats after only four weeks. Yes, the numbers will show exactly what you’ve been thinking—that the Broncos can’t run, but they sure can pass. But a lot of this can change in just a few weeks.
Since I’ve received several requests to revive my Stats That Don’t Lie (STDL) column from my Mile High Report days, I’ve had two thoughts:
1) I wouldn’t be The Dude if I did not abide
2) I would not abide if I wasn’t The Dude
So, I’m gonna do this. Or as one of the finest poets of his generation, Dee Synder so elegantly wrote, “I Wanna Rock!”
So let the stats flow—quicker, stronger, on HGH, and without an athletic supporter.
Quick to the stats to the stats no fakin', cookin' MCs like a pound of bacon.
Alright, stop. Collaborate and listen. Josh is back with a brand new invention.
You knew I couldn't get through a whole season without bringing out the worst song of all time
I'm not sure what's worse. That song or the idea that Week 17 actually meant anything in the NFL. The way things ended up, there wasn't much drama involved, as both the Ravens and Jets took care of business. As expected, the Raiders got the business end of another loss. Sorry, Pittsburgh. Sorry, Houston. And sorry, Den....
"Are you here to tell me what a bad statoogoolizer I am?"
In the NFL, I'm pretty sure there's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good-looking. Week 16 proved this if nothing else. Two teams were caught staring at their reflections for too long (New Orleans and Minnesota). Another team was tragically lost to the playoffs in a freak-gasoline-fight accident (Giants). And the Oakland Raiders were back to normal, showing us all why they are still reserving spots in the Derek Zoolander Center-For-Kids-Who-Can't-Read-Good-And-Wanna-Learn-To-Do-Other-Stuff-Good-Too. In other words, don't expect any playoff help from the Silver-and-Black next week.