Mark it Zero

The Dude Abides: It’s limerick time - Chiefs, Round 2

Divisional opponents inspire hate.  And mockery.  So let round two of the Chiefs' Limericks begin!   

Here are five that I created.  Please feel free to make up your own.   It's the last game of the year, so if you've got something to take out on the Broncos, do it.  And Chiefs fans, please participate if you're still not busy counting how many 3rd downs you haven't converted. 

In all seriousness, Chiefs fans, you are some of the coolest cats rolling, so I know we will have a good time, once again.

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A Christmas Story: Beating the Philadelphia Eagles

I triple-dog dare ya to beat the Philadelphia Eagles!

Like putting your tongue to a flagpole in winter, beating the Philadelphia Eagles could get real sticky indeed.

But it's feasible.   And if it happens--barring a meltdown against the Chiefs--Denver will be staring its first playoff berth in the face since 2005, when another quarterback with a penchant for neck beards (and handball) took the Broncos all the way to the AFC Championship Game.

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The Dude Abides: The Stats That Don’t Lie, Week 15

"You stats shouldn't play so rough. Somebody's gonna start crying."

--Mr. Blonde

Some teams bark all day, little doggy.  And some teams bite.  

Week 15 was supposed to be an easy caper for the playoff-bound teams in the NFL.  Minnesota, New Orleans, Philadelphia, and Indianapolis were all looking to get in, do their job, and get out--unscathed and without too much gun play. Only two of these teams (Philly and Indy) actually escaped with a win.

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How to cope with a loss to the Raiders: Plato, Bruce Lee, & Bon Jovi

It's times like these that drive Broncos fans to drink.

And to Plato.  And Bruce Lee.   And Bon Jovi. 

One had a penchant for philosophy.  Another for martial arts.  And the last for hairspray.

But what do the three of these guys have in common?

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The Dude Abides: The Stats That Don’t Lie, Week 14

"What did you say, Stats Champion? I'll beat you like a dog, a dog, you fool!" --Clubber Lang

I pity the fool that believes in league parity.  

Let's be honest.  Outside of a few games, Week 14 was a complete bore.   The winning teams won by an average of 15 points.  While the storyline of the two undefeated teams continued to be compelling, most of the games were as forgettable as a JaMarcus Russell seam pass or a Jay Cutler trip to the red zone.  Roger Goodell should have donated some of his TV revenues back to charity.  At least fans would have felt better about the six hours of their lives they won't be getting back. 

However, we did learn something about the Denver Broncos.  They stand more than a puncher's chance in the playoffs.  

Welcome to another round of The Stats That Don't Lie, your statistical Mister T.  These are the stats that hit below the belt. They are the stats that never have to go to the judges.   In short, they beat you like a dog, fool.  As always they are Turnovers, Field Position, Time of Possession, and 3rd-Down Efficiency. 

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The Dude Abides: It’s limerick time - Jokeland Raiders, Round 2

Divisional opponents inspire hate.  And mockery.  So let round two of the Raiders' Limericks begin!.  

Here are five that I created.  Please feel free to make up your own.   And Raiders' fans, please participate if you've passed the 8th grade or aren't currently wearing an orange jacket and carrying a garbage sack.

At the end of the season, I'll do a post with the top-10 limericks from all the division opponents to vote on, so please rec the limericks that you like the most.

These five should help you get the hang of it (if you have an extra syllable or two here or there, who cares):

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The big deferral - why Josh McDaniels is still smarter than you

Yesterday, Josh McDaniels made one of his most interesting coaching decisions before the bodies even began hitting the turf of Lucas Oil Stadium.

He deferred the kickoff.

Although this decision is not controversial at the college level (Urban Meyer and many other coaches always defer), apparently it causes quite a stir when done by an NFL head coach.  As Mike Klis wrote today in the Denver Post:

The officials gathered the respective captains for a coin toss to see who would get the ball first. The Broncos called heads. It came up heads. What a break. The great Manning would have to wait . . .

What's that? McDaniels deferred. McDaniels' research had shown that the team that kicks off at the start usually has the final possession of the first half, and then gets the ball again to start the second half.

Score at the end of one half, score at the beginning of the next. Double-up the points while Manning waits on his sideline.

But even at its best, such decision would have to be considered counterintuitive.

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Pour Some Sugar on Me: What happens when the Colts lose

The Broncos are like a bomb, baby, come and get it on.

What happens if the Broncos actually pull a miracle and beat the Colts tomorrow?  How will they have done it?  Is it actually possible?

Not only is it possible, I can already tell you what the game will look like.  As the lead singer for the band Def Depard (one of the finest poets of his generation) would say,"Red light, yellow light, green-a-light go." 

Since 2005, the Indianapolis Colts have finished 55-16, including the playoffs and Super Bowl season of 2006. That means the Colts have won 77% of their games.   That's an insane number of wins in a 4-year stretch.   If it helps you bend your mind around just how good this is, just imagine the Raiders losing percentage over the last 4 years and think about the exact opposite.  The Colts have been as good as the Raiders have been useless.

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The Dude Abides: The Stats That Don’t Lie, Week 13

"Stats washed over The Dude...darker than a black steer's tookus on a moonlight prairie night..." Sam Elliott

In almost every Hollywood movie there is a moment that comes, about three-fourths through the movie, in which the hero or heroin appears defeated.  This moment is called the "dark moment," and if you're paying attention, it appears in almost all stories.  The great mythologist, Joseph Campbell, wrote a book called The Hero With a Thousand Faces, in which he described the hero's journey, and briefly, the dark moment:

Beyond the threshold, then, the hero journeys through a world of unfamiliar yet strangely intimate forces, some of which severely test him...(page 246)

For modern day storytellers, this is the moment in which everything appears bleak and all is lost.  In the greatest movie ever made, The Big Lebowski (Citizen Kane, stay down), the dark moment occurs when The Dude is drugged by Jackie Treehorn (don't ask me for the rest of the plot, or you'll be here for hours).

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Shake, Rattle & Roll: Dumervil’s chase, the importance of sacks & keeping the king in the building

It's good to be the king--of sacks.

That's because sacks are critical in today's NFL.  Sacks have become such an important part of football, that today they are cause for orgasmic euphoria on the part of players and fans.  It seems that this single act of taking the opposing quarterback down two-to-ten yards behind the line of scrimmage is almost on par with touchdowns themselves. Gyrating, break-dancing, and in the case of Shawn Merriman, outright seizures disguised as celebrations are in order after just a single sack.

Deacon Jones might have fathered the sack.  Lawrence Taylor might have raised it through adolescence.  And Michael Strahan might have helped it pay for college.  But today, every roster is filled with a least one player trying to make a real man out of the sack.

That's because some sacks are hellaciously important.  Not because Ryan Clady makes a lot of money defending against them. Not because Michael Lewis says so.  But because a sack has real value.

So much value, in fact, that the Denver Broncos should resign Elvis Dumervil--before the king leaves the building.

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