Mark it Zero

The Dude’s Mail Revue: Waterboarding with goth girls

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Fat Man blogger TJ “The Dude” Johnson posts The Dude’s Mail Revue on Thursdays, in which he takes your questions and gets your opinion about the state of the Denver Broncos.

You wanna roll your way into the semis?

Drop TJ a question: tjthedudejohnson@gmail.com.

(NOTE: No marmots were harmed in the writing of this revue)

TJ, let me be quick to the point.  After John Elway comes on board, the Broncos are going to give Xanders full GM powers and hire Jim Fassel as coach.  Think about it, Dude.  Who was the coach that tutored Elway and Phil Simms?  Fassel.   Who resurrected Kerry Collins' career?  Fassel.   The early 1990s were off the hook for Elway under Fassel.  I really think Bowlen and Elway are going turn back the clock.  You hear that little bitty ting?  That's the sound of a lightbulb going off over Elway's head right now.

In case you didn't know it, Fassel is also the one guy who won't be scared away by the theory that Tim Tebow can't play quarterback, either.   Remember you heard it here first, straight out of Palm Beach!

--Robert Van Winkle, Palm Beach, Florida 

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Ten reasons not to play Tebow

If you're not with Studesville, the terrorists win.

If you're not with Ellis, you don't bleed orange and blue (gross).

If you're not down with waiting for Godot Tebow, then, well, you're a Raiders fan.

The horror!

Broncos fans, stop your incessant jabbering.  You've no right to demand the Broncos play Tim Tebow.  Haven't you heard?  Phil Rivers and Aaron Rodgers rode the pine for centuries before they hit the field.  

So shut your pie holes.  Got it?  No?  Well let me give you some reasons why the Broncos shouldn't start Tebow before Joe Ellis takes off his tie, rolls up his sleeves, and bitch slaps you.  

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Should you root for the Broncos to lose? The Art of (Draft) Whore

When the Broncos play the Cardinals tomorrow, there's more than just the Broncos' integrity on the line.

There's the #5 draft pick.  

As it stands today, the Broncos and Cardinals are tied for the 5th-worst record in all Goodell's World.  The team that loses tomorrow has a leg up in the draft standings.  In front of them are the storied franchises of Carolina, Cincinnatti, Buffalo, and Detroit--teams that share between them seven Super Bowl appearances.  

The Broncos themselves have six.  My oh my have the Broncos have stumbled since the days of saluting the Mile High air.

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The Dude’s Mail Revue: The GM search, the great white receiver, and The Curse of Kern lifted

Dude's Mail Revue 400x145

Fat Man blogger TJ “The Dude” Johnson posts The Dude’s Mail Revue on Thursdays, in which he takes your questions and gets your opinion about the state of the Denver Broncos.

You wanna roll your way into the semis? 

Drop TJ a question: tjthedudejohnson@gmail.com.

(NOTE: No marmots were harmed in the writing of this revue)

TJ, I'm glad the Broncos rid themselves of McDaniels.  Guy had a huge Napoleon complex, and further, his hair cut was atrocious.  He deserved to get canned for the hair alone.  Dude could have used a short spiked look with the ends razor cut to add some texture.  He could have combined this with just a little facial hair as well.  I had been thinking of a slight pencil mustache.  But what do I know?   Let me ask you the right question.  It's obvious we need a new GM before we get a coach, so who should the GM be?

--Johnny Antin, Los Angeles, California 

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The Dude’s Mail Revue: Haley is looney

Dude's Mail Revue 400x145

Fat Man blogger TJ “The Dude” Johnson posts The Dude’s Mail Revue on Thursdays, in which he takes your questions and gets your opinion about the state of the Denver Broncos.

You wanna roll your way into the semis? You want a toe--with nail polish--by 3 o'clock?

Drop TJ your question: tjthedudejohnson@gmail.com.

(NOTE: No marmots were harmed in the writing of this revue)

TJ, what are the chances that Todd Haley shakes Josh McDaniels' hand this time around?  What are the chances that McDaniels doesn't shake Haley's?  Haley is such a loon.  They should put a straitjacket on that guy.

--Dr. Harleen F. Quinzel, New York City

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Huge Decision of the Week: Bowlen keeps McDaniels

Pat Bowlen, at the age of 66, no longer runs triathlons; he tears it up on the stationary bike instead.

For those that question whether or not Josh McDaniels will be around to tear up the AFC West this year, Bowlen had this to say to AOL's Fanhouse tonight: 

"I am not interested in making a coaching change."

Straight from the horse's Broncos' mouth,  Denver fans.  Bowlen isn't taking his coach to the woodshed--this year at least.  

Get used to Josh McDaniels.  The hoodie, the baseball cap, and the baby-faced protege is sticking around for awhile, whether you like him or not.  Personally, I'd like to see him sport a Fu Manchu moustache for the last 5 games.  That way, he'd at least be dressed the part of the villain, which is the part the national media has cast him in for the last year week.  

Why would Bowlen--a guy known for staying behind the scenes and rarely granting interviews--suddenly give an impromptu interview to AOL Fanhouse late into the evening?  It's simple.  He had to do it.

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Gut Reactions - Week 12, Broncos-Rams

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Wrecks, sighs, and videotape.

The wreck: losing at home to a team who is in rebuilding mode.  

The sighs: the Broncos' continued futility to convert on 3rd downs, lack of quarterback pressure, inability to tackle, and  turnovers (on both sides).

The videotape: The Rams' offense seemed to confuse the Broncos after their first drive with their normal misdirection and bootlegs; their receivers and tight ends had more space than Buzz Lightyear. Their defense, as Brian Griese pointed out from the radio booth, confused the Broncos all game, blitzing eight defenders on one play, only to drop eight defenders in coverage the next.

Quick, someone call Steve Scarnecchia and get him back on the payroll (and rolling footage).  The Broncos could have used six more minutes of film today.

Despite a late surge, some luck, and some conservative play calling by the Rams, the Broncos' season took another shot to the chin today.  

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The Playbook Abides - Man coverage at your own risk

Good cover corners are worth their weight in cap space.

That's because in today's pass-happy NFL, in which cornerbacks must play a significant amount of man-to-man, you can't afford to be without one--or five.

Cover corners can make the difference between the simple incompletion you forget as part of the opponent's completion percentage and a made-for-ESPN highlight.  This is especially true when facing an elite quarterback like Philip Rivers.

As we'll see in this week's version of The Playbook Abides, Rivers exposed the potential danger of playing man coverage in the Chargers' victory on Monday night.

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5 Things Peter King Didn’t Think to Think - Week 11

Rain or Shine.  Victory or blowout loss.  Fat Man's microphones catch it all.

The Broncos weren't saying too much this week.

Enjoy!

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Gut Reactions - Week 11, Broncos-Chargers

big-lebowski

The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

Unless you forget to take the second.  Then you simply fall on your ass.

Tonight the Broncos started fast.  Once the Chargers adjusted, however (putting more guys in the box), Denver's excellent adventure turned bogus.

And we didn't even get a cameo from Keanu Reeves.  Damn, dude.  

What started as a fake punt quickly turned into a nightmare of missed tackles, blown assignments, penalties, dropped passes, and desperate gadget calls.  In other words, outside of a few good weeks, more of the same.

Last week the Broncos were the ones who had two weeks to prepare for their opponent.  This week, it was the Chargers who had the additional time.  Honestly, though, they didn't need it, so I hope they spent at least half of that time prepping for the Colts.  

Time didn't beat the Broncos.  As we've seen again and again, the Broncos beat themselves. 

Get your mock drafts ready.  

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