Mark it Zero

This is your brain; this is your brain on college football. Any questions?

Americans sure are a conflicted lot.

Perhaps it's our Puritan heritage mixed with a healthy dose of risk taking.  After all, it requires a special type to flee religious persecution and immediately begin executing witches (good times!).

We've been battling our demons ever since.

Take sex, for instance.  In 2004, we Americans collectively blew a gasket after seeing Janet Jackson's nipple during the Super Bowl. At the same time, the pornography industry outearned Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo, Apple,and Netflix combined.  Gambling is another of our favorites.  According to this research from Fairleigh Dickinson University, 53% of Americans oppose betting on college and pro sports, but 62% of these same Americans have gambled at a casino at least once.

The list goes on and on.  Pick any topic, and it's likely Americans will have conflicted themselves in some manner.

Perhaps the biggest joke of them all is college athletics.  Education and college athletics may be allowed on the same bus (or chartered jet), but education has to sit in the back.

This week, we were again reminded of this reality.  Everyone's favorite grandfather in a sweater vest, Jim Tressel, resigned from Ohio State University.

Continue reading "This is your brain; this is your brain on college football. Any questions?"

John Elway would have made a great cologne

For months I had been working on a new men's cologne called Elway.

The name was just local color.

My true intention was combining the pungent smell of the Broncos' locker room with the grassy aroma of the Mile High turf

Originally, the name of the cologne was going to be Johnson 9-5 on account of the fact that it took about an hour for you to work up enough sweat so that your female coworkers could get a whiff of your "natural" pheromones.

The name Elway just sounds better.  I don't anticipate it will help sales in the least.  My lawyer told me to say that, but in my heart, I believe it.

The strong scent was guaranteed; the results with your female coworkers were not.

Now that I've received a letter from some NFL quarterback telling me to cease and desist with this cologne, I'm guess I'll just write some limericks wrapping up this week's most interesting news.

Continue reading "John Elway would have made a great cologne"

I played the game, so just shut up

I'm not a huge NBA fan, but this story about Scottie Pippen drew my attention yesterday.

It seems Pippen made a comment that LeBron James might eventually be the greatest player in NBA history--greater even than Michael Jordan.

That's not the interesting part of the story.  If Pippen believes LeBron is that good, he's certainly entitled to it.  What's more interesting is what he tweeted to fans who disagreed with his assessment:

For all of you that don't know I played the game you keep watching and cheering.

Here we go again--another former athlete who thinks that just because they played the game, their ability to evaluate talent is far superior to the ability of anyone else.  Further, they think everyone else should just shut up.

Pippen could have easily been a former NFL player saying the same thing.  Ryan Leaf famously remarked that only players could really understand.

The antichrist to this view is, of course, Matt Millen.  A Pro Bowler and NFL champion four times over, Millen was, at best, a below average talent evaluator.  One NFL executive even remarked that Millen had made more draft mistakes than anyone else had in two centuries.

Continue reading "I played the game, so just shut up"

The Dude’s Mail Revue: Flipping tackles, a lockout guide, and Evil Elway

Fat Man writer TJ “The Dude” Johnson posts The Dude’s Mail Revue on Thursdays, in which he takes your questions and gets your opinion about the state of the Denver Broncos.

You wanna tie the room together?  Or say what you'd like about the tenets of national socialism?

Drop TJ a question: tjthedudejohnson@gmail.com.

(NOTE: Marmots were harmed in the writing of this Revue)

TJ, since the Broncos are hell bent on dropping Ryan Harris and going with rookie Orlando Franklin at right tackle, why not flip our tackles so our best lineman, Ryan Clady, is protecting Tebow’s blind side?

--Antonio Boselli,  Jacksonville, Florida

Continue reading "The Dude’s Mail Revue: Flipping tackles, a lockout guide, and Evil Elway"

Ten reasons I freakin’ hate (love) Tim Tebow

A year later, and Tim Tebow is still as polarizing as he's ever been.

From his religious views to his throwing motion, the cat has split Broncos Country like Al Davis splits time between sanity and loco--which is to say, about half the time.

If a weed-smoking Boulder liberal can't come to common ground with a Christian Baptist from Colorado Springs over the game of football, what has this world come to?

Pack it up.  The Chinese have won.

It forces me to tears--little Tiny Tim (Tebow) tears.

I can't stand it any longer.  I'm going biopolar.

Here are ten reasons to hate (love) Tim Tebow:

Continue reading "Ten reasons I freakin’ hate (love) Tim Tebow"

Tres Hombres - Three Limericks

After receiving dozens of requests from readers to bring limericks back to football, I've finally decided to do it.

What brought me back from the depths of bawdy and crude artistic expression?

The Denver Broncos' quarterback debate--that, and a whole hell of a lot of time to kill during a lockout.

Orton versus Tebow?

Tebow and Orton versus Quinn?

Woody Paige versus the world?

All of it pales in comparision to whether I can work in a reference to Rick Mirer, The Bible, and Jockey underwear on a Sunday afternoon.

Enjoy.  If you dare.

Continue reading "Tres Hombres - Three Limericks"

If you can’t sign Bane, Brandon Mebane is a good second choice

If you've ever followed the comic book hero Batman, you're no doubt aware of a fellow named Bane.

Bane was one of the Caped Crusader's strongest adversaries.   Raised in a South American prison and classically educated by a Jesuit priest, Bane acquired six languages by the time he broke out of prison as an adult.  During his prison stint, he was used as an experimental test subject for a drug known as "venom."   From the picture, you can see that it turned him into quite the physical specimen.

Some might say he was a renaissance man--that is, if you can get past the whole shanking guys in prison thing.

Continue reading "If you can’t sign Bane, Brandon Mebane is a good second choice"

Fight Club: Goodell versus Smith

There are eight rules of Fight Club. 

Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith have broken all of them, except one:

"Fights will go on as long as they have to."

Although all of us out here in fanville would prefer they simply followed rule one (don't talk about Fight Club!), it's been unavoidable.  For every one of Smith's biting and over-the-top punches, Goodell (and his lap dog Jeff Pash) have countered with a calculated yet Chicken Little-ish jab.

I've seen girl fights more exciting than this.  At least girls pull hair.

At this point in the process, what more is there to do than sit back, relax, sip some iced tea, wait for litigation, and try out our newest random quote generator?

Give it a whirl and see what happens when DeMaurice Smith and Roger Goodell say ridiculous things at the same time.  I've included 30 quotes from each, so have as many spins as you'd like.  Don't forget to laugh.  Feel free to even declare a winner if you'd like in the comments below.

Continue reading "Fight Club: Goodell versus Smith"

The Dude’s Mail Revue, weekend edition: Paige, white boys, and tasers

Dude's Mail Revue 400x145Fat Man writer TJ “The Dude” Johnson posts The Dude’s Mail Revue on Thursdays whenever the hell he gets around to it.  He takes your questions and gets your opinion about the state of the Broncos and the NFL. You wanna tie the room together?  Or say what you'd like about the tenets of national socialism? Drop TJ a question: tjthedudejohnson@gmail.com.

(NOTE: Marmots were harmed in the writing of this Revue)

TJ, I read your stupid column last week blasting Woody Paige for suggesting that Kyle Orton never offered encouragement to Tim Tebow.   Let me jump completely into bed with Woody here.  You are guilty of cherry picking.  You took one shot of Orton on the sideline and used it to suggest that Tebow and Orton were fast friends during Weeks 16 and 17.   That's ridiculous.  Paige is onto something here.  I can feel it.  Orton is a sulker.  You should be ashamed of yourself. You call yourself "The Dude?" I don't like your name and I don't like your blog.  

-- Roy Hardman Oliver, San Paulo, Brazil

Continue reading "The Dude’s Mail Revue, weekend edition: Paige, white boys, and tasers"

Mindfreak: if you’re so smart, why aren’t you a general manager?

Last week, as I was holding down my couch springs, I lavished some big-time praise on Brian Xanders for his work during the 2011 NFL Draft.

He deserved it.  The Broncos went into the draft with seven picks; they came out with nine. 

Statistically, Xanders improved the Broncos' ability to land more starters.

You'll notice that I mentioned none of players' names to come to this conclusion.  That's because I agree 100% with Kerry J. Byrne wrote last week:

You know how most analysts do it: They pretend they watched every college football game of the past three seasons, toss out clichés about various schemes, or which players "set the edge" and have "good motors" and then try to guess which will succeed or fail at the next level.

 

Good luck with that.

 

The truth is that nobody knows who's going to succeed or fail -- not us, not the draft "experts" on TV and certainly not the GMs making the decisions on draft day.

Continue reading "Mindfreak: if you’re so smart, why aren’t you a general manager?"