Weekly Limerick Schtick

You can stop emailing me. Back by popular demand, it's peanut butter jelly time--otherwise known as IAOFM's Weekly Limerick Schtick.  This week's topic? Demaryius Thomas' route tree:

Demaryius Thomas so free
did not run the routes from the tree.
But the Teebs is gone,
replaced by The Don
of quarterbacks John could decree.

Take your own shot--if you've got something clever and can remember the finer arts of anapest meter. Or you may be drunk.  In that case, just try and rhyme without passing out.

Phrase of the day: Willis McGahee’s pimpette

A Blow-By-Blow Account Of The Fred Davis Lawsuit, Which Is The Strangest Lawsuit Involving A Female Pimp We’ve Seen Today
www.sportsgrid.com

Washington Redskins tight end Fred Davis has been involved in an 18-month legal battle that is among the strangest we’ve ever seen. Makini Chaka, a 33-year old woman that Davis alleges to be a “pimpette,” was granted a temporary restraining order with regard to Davis back in January 2011, and later sued for a permanent one…She also claims that Davis continually violates the temporary restraining order and “harasses” her, and that he “blacklisted” her from DC nightclubs with his influence, and that he once impersonated Santana Moss on the phone to keep her out of one, saying no Redskins would go if she was allowed in. She claims this has lost her business and clients, and she wants compensation. Davis says she’s extorting him.

Of course, Chaka says it’s not about money. To prove that, she boasted a bit. Davis claims she’s a “pimpette,” providing prostitutes for athletes. A man named “Prince,” who has worked as Davis’s bodyguard and is also friends with Chaka, backed up the claim that Chaka is a “madam/pimpette,” saying that it’s widely known in DC. Chaka denied that, describing herself as a “celebrity broker who organizes parties for sports and entertainment stars.” She claimed that she does well and doesn’t need money from Davis, citing that one of her main clients, Willis McGahee, “happens to be a first round draft pick. He makes over 40 million dollars… yet you’re saying that I want to get Mr. Davis for money and he’s a second-round draft pick, and his, he doesn’t even gross anywhere close to Willis.” Boom, roasted, Fred! For the record, McGahee is a veteran with significantly more career earnings than Davis, but Davis is making much more than McGahee this season. She also name-dropped Snoop Dogg, Vonta Leach and others as clients.

Moral to the story: if you must impersonate Santana Moss, do a better job of it.

Psychiatrists: ADHD meds don’t aid players who don’t need them

Is There An ADHD Epidemic in Major League Baseball?
mlb.sbnation.com

Professional athletes will look for any edge, they said, and only those who truly require ADHD medication in order to properly function should be permitted to take it. Moreover, Dr. Hallowell added, Ritalin, Adderall and similar drugs do not produce a super-focusing effect for people without ADHD. Those drugs work by altering the brain’s chemistry. According to Dr. Hallowell, if a ballplayer’s brain chemistry doesn’t “need” altering, then he’s more likely to experience the unpleasant side effects of the drugs—like elevated heart rate, elevated blood pressure, insomnia and weight loss—and none of the benefits.

In the end, Dr. Tuckman noted, “when ADHD is appropriately diagnosed and the medication is appropriately prescribed and taken, it doesn’t give someone with ADHD an edge any more than giving contact lenses to someone who is far-sighted.”

The NFLPA has quite a bit on its plate at the moment; but once they get past the Saints bounty scandal, we hope they'll turn some of their attention to the Ginger Hammer's inconsistently levied and often heavyhanded penalties for ADHD medication use.

27-year-old ex-NFLer suffering “almost total loss of function” Lard

Happy Friday, Broncos fans! Another sad story has emerged regarding the health of a former NFL player, although it's not the typical tale of a longtime player suffering in his 50s or 60s. This time, it's a 27-year-old whom Tampa Bay drafted in the second round of the 2007 Draft. Arron Sears left the Bucs in 2009 under worrisome circumstances, as the Tampa Bay Times reported at the time:

When the Tampa Bay Buccaneers held offseason workouts in mid March, guard Arron Sears was there. But he wasn't the person teammates and coaches remembered. He was distant, even for someone with his shy demeanor. Sears participated for several weeks, until shortly after the team's minicamp in April, when he simply stopped communicating. He was unresponsive when asked questions. At times, he resorted to replying in writing.

Unfortunately, things haven't gotten better for Sears, on whose behalf his parents filed a suit claiming the NFL, helmet maker Riddell, the Bucs, and other teams were negligent and withheld information on concussions and their effects. A portion of the suit reads:

Sears has almost total loss of function, is unable to care for himself and cannot take (care) of his day-to-day activities. Further, Arron Sears has extreme displays of temper and anger with the appurtenant risk of causing harm to himself and others.

According to the TBT, Sears has been taken into protective custody by the police on several occasions in the past two years, and the lawsuit, which has two other ex-Bucs as plaintiffs, says Arron is now under the guardianship of his parents. Let's hope things take a positive turn for Sears and his family, as unlikely as that may seem.

Continue reading "27-year-old ex-NFLer suffering “almost total loss of function” Lard"

2009 Draft was so terrible, Denver’s haul doesn’t look that bad

Flash-forward: 2009 AFC West draft review
www.coldhardfootballfacts.com

Denver collected a lot of high draft picks, but they did a poor job when it came time to turn those cards in for players…It was a lot of effort for not a lot of value.

Denver has one starter on defense, a running back that could contribute something if healthy, and a depth player at safety…In the 2009 NFL Draft, apparently getting anyone to fill a roster spot is a noteworthy accomplishment. This was not a good draft by any means.

The Broncos' performance in the 2009 Draft (the first by Josh McDaniels) was immediately panned by football analysts far and wide, and it didn't take long for Alphonso Smith to become a favorite target of the McDoofus Sux crowd. Over time, it has grown impossible for even this McDaniels apologist to suggest Denver fared well four Aprils ago. But the overarching theme to Scott Kacsmar's thorough examination of the 2009 Draft is that a lot of teams flopped.

To that end, Knowshon Moreno, who hasn't lived up to even his critics' expectations, actually has a higher CarAV (15) than twelve other first-rounders; Robert Ayers is right behind him at 14. Surprisingly, among the AFCW teams, Denver's picks have played in the most NFL games and amassed the highest CarAV.

Demaryius Thomas: Route tree is back in vogue

For Demaryius Thomas, the Arrival of Peyton Manning Means it’s Time to Run Routes Again
sportsradiointerviews.com

On having to run more routes with Manning at quarterback:

“You’re gonna have to run the whole route tree now. The comebacks, the slants, the posts, the ins. And I didn’t have to do that much when I was my first couple of years in the league.”

For those who don't remember what it looks like:

 

NFL pushes 4:15pm kickoffs back 10 minutes

In a move sure to help Broncos fans miss fewer great endings and Denver kickoffs, the NFL announced it will push back all 4:15pm ET kickoffs to 4:25pm ET.

According to the league's research, over the past three seasons, doubleheaders forced TV networks to switch away from 66 games that were still ongoing. The NFL says this 10-minute shift would have prevented 51 of those Heidi-style preemptions.

Although this was likely not a problem for Broncos fans in the Mountain West viewing area, those of us who live elsewhere have all experienced the agony of waiting for some Jaguars/Titans snoozer to conclude while we miss Denver's opening possession or two. Sometimes, of course, this serves to save us from even worse pain, ala the 59-14 drubbing by the Raiders in 2010, when many of us were spared Oakland's first two scores.

Updated 12:24pm ET

Continue reading "NFL pushes 4:15pm kickoffs back 10 minutes"

Thanks to ESPN, nightmares do come true Lard

Good Morning, Broncos fans! This will thankfully be taking place past my own bedtime, but for those of you who will stay up to watch the second half of the Week 1 MNF doubleheader, you'll be stuck listening to Chris Berman and Trent Dilfer calling the Chargers/Raiders game for the Worldwide Leader. If anyone out there doesn't know why this is one of the worst events in the history of the world, here's a thoughtful melange of reaction from around the web to help clarify things:

Drew Magary: Berman truly believes he's an NFL institution, and that means you're going to spend the whole evening being reminded of it. He's gonna make it painfully aware to you that he's doing a game for the very first time, at long last. He's gonna say THEHHHHHH RAYDEEZZZZZZ 900 times.

KSK: Naturally, we can expect large quantities of CARSON “DON’T CALL ME ROBERT” PALMER DROPS BACK AND ZZZZZIIIPPPP PICKED OFF BY ERIC “WEDDLE WE GO NOW” AND WHOOOOOOOP AND WHOOOOOOPP AND HE. MAY. GO. ALL. THE. WAY. THEYRENOTGONNAGETHIM until our brains extrude through our ears. And with Dilfer’s self-serious act as the chaser, the mute button shall be our only recourse.

Continue reading "Thanks to ESPN, nightmares do come true Lard"

Happy Birthday, John Elway!

John Elway turns 52 today. Happy Birthday, John - and Thank You.

Continue reading "Happy Birthday, John Elway!"

Dontari Poe and drafting defensive linemen

Quoth the draftniks, Evermore: You will always draft the largest man on the board. It will lead to riches and wins.

Draftniks sometimes lie.

There’s Edgar Allen Poe, and then there’s Dontari Poe - one could write brilliantly, the other is simply huge. At 6-3 and 346 pounds, Kansas City’s future at nose guard may be tied to Poe’s ability to play the two-gap nose position. Poe is without question a huge man with surprising athletic talent. The question that’s going to have to be answered is whether he fits the slot for which he’s been chosen.

Dontari Poe looks every inch and every pound the ‘monster in the middle’ kind of nose guard that odd-front teams all over the NFL are looking for. Head coach Romeo Crennel is drooling over his chances of turning around the team’s fortunes. There was a lot more than Poe to KC’s draft, but despite all the clamoring about him and his potential, there’s something that people aren’t talking about.

Continue reading "Dontari Poe and drafting defensive linemen"

Recent Game Coverage

All Game Coverage